The Chop Blogs

New EP!!!!! Hilarious Rarities. You have to have this.

2010-12-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

Huge news for all the Chop enthusiasts. We've just released a Rarities EP for your purchasing/listening pleasure. It includes all our best joke songs (read: the stuff that makes us laugh) as well as our special christmas tune. Just in time for yon holidays. Buy it on itunes!

You should probably get it just for this awesome cover:

Without getting all misty eyed here....this EP really nails the essence of The Chop, which was joking around with great friends and making songs to crack each other up. To understand what our little band-experiement was about you really must hear this.

here's the tracklist including a short description of each tune and its context in Chop lore:

1. Born in Wilmington
The Chop's homage to their hometown of Wilmington, Delaware. To be sung drunk, preferably. Feel free to write your own verses and perform your own versions. The goal is to get this baby into every Wilmingtonian's consciousness and make it a traditional tune that everyone in Delaware knows. You can help with this...Do it!!!!!!!!!

2. Enter the Chop
Part of an early Chop-days songwriting challenge for every man to write a song that ended with the lyric "I killed you with the chop". An early recording triumph, complete with weird time signatures / weird guitar harmonies / weird vocals from Jimmy.

3. The Chop, with Love (reprise)
Another song from the aforementioned challenge. Originally written as a punk/metal tune that was somewhat unloved for it's noisy assault on the senses but beloved for it's lyrical content, we quickly decided that a jazz reprise was the way to go. This was on our Gold Stars "release" but it makes it's digital debut here!

4. Buffalo Balls Magrans

Originally conceived while drunkenly strolling down Fulton Street after a three man thanksgiving celebration, BBalls was then quickly penned and meticulously recorded amidst much laughter and merriment. A true chop classic that all five of us had a strong hand in creating, with Johnny as inspiration, James and Rob on lyrics and chords, and Phil and Tom with the spot on arrangement/production. Dig those awesome backup vocals. I find it impossible not to smile while listening to this.

5. Karate for Christmas
The Chop's christmas song. Conceived "title first" then written and recorded all in the span of about 72 hours...instant classic for your holiday pleasure. Chock full of egg nog and mistletoe and nunchuks. Or something.

The End of The Chop

2010-01-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone,

I'd like to tell you the story of The Chop (through my eyes, anyway).

Once upon a time, long long ago, I desperately wanted to be in a band. I had moved to San Francisco and tried to hook up with other players over the course of two years but nothing ever came of it. It was more difficult than you might think to find people who were both willing to play/practice regularly and were in any way people you might want to spend your time with. Then I had a revelation: Starting a band with your best friends means nonstop fun, right? (even during revelations, I'm not 100% sure of myself)

A little history:
I met James when I was 10. We'd been hanging out consistently ever since. He met Johnny in highschool at about the same time I met Tom and Phil (who, separately, had been friends since they were 5). We became a group within the group, real tight. (We considered robbing banks as an elite unit to finance our endless summer, but instead got caught up playing NFL Blitz and lost interest). The five of us were brothers in every meaningful sense.

Johnny and I came to California together. Two years later, James announced he was leaving New York for San Francisco, and this was all the impetus I needed.
I approached Johnny who, at this moment in his life, knew near absolute zero about the playing of any instruments. I told him not to think about the answer before he gave it. "Do you want to play bass in a band?". One great thing about John is that he responds astoundingly well to this type of adventure talk and will approach near any dare with an unmatched zeal. He said yes, whereupon I solemnly nodded and began teaching him "the bass" on my electric guitar. It was slow going, but it was fun because we were friends.

James moved to town and I immediately went to work on him, talking up our then non-existent band. He agreed to start learning keys (again, basically from scratch). This arrangement (the three of us) went on for about 7 months with practice on Wednesdays and very few actual "songs" being played. It was slow-going and sometimes extremely frustrating...but we were such great friends and we were getting to hang out and work on something together, so it was good.

We hooked up with a drummer. He answered my ad that said "own drums? that's a start" or something in that vein. He was inexperienced like the rest of us and seemed to fit in. Phil moved to the city and stayed with me while looking for a place. I don't think I allowed him through my front door before I was suggesting he play guitar with us.

OK, at this point the band consists of Me (first band, but I'd been playing guitar for about 7 years), John (learning "bass" from a guitar player (me) for about 7 months), James (learning keys on his own for about 6 months), an inexperienced drummer we met on CL, and now Phil (extremely talented and seasoned guitar player). The four of us were the best of friends, so it was pretty fun. We started working on original tunes, the first batch included Taste of Luxury and Carry the Wood. Phil recommended we try a Talking Heads song (Slippery People) and the first time we played it it sounded (somewhat surprisingly) like a song.

This was the first moment it felt like we were in an actual band.

Tom showed up in San Francisco a month or two later. He was a talented and experienced bass player (he had played in lots of bands with Phil, and I had seen him perform countless times). Here's what happened next, in very quick succession: Tom was bummed that we were all in a band without him (understandable). Mysterious drummer chap left town and left me his drums (quite a winfall, really). Tom said "I don't know how to play drums, like, at all." Tom taught himself drums in three weeks. The five of us played all together for the first time on my 26th birthday (May 8th, 2006).

Progress was slow sometimes. We didn't always sounds great. It's difficult when skill and experience levels throughout the band are so disparate...but it was always fun because we sincerely all loved hanging out with each other. Eventually we played a show, then some more shows. I think that at many of the shows we sounded awesome. Our technically "inexperienced" band sounded great. This was it. My revelation from way back was being completely validated. Being in a band with all your friends was the best possible option, regardless of how technically skilled any single person was at their own instrument. Sounding good and having a good time were really about being with cool people and wanting to work on it. The guys who were just starting on their respective instruments (three out of five, if you're counting) really stepped up, practiced hard, and made it work. It was awesome on every level.

So we did that for awhile. More than likely, if you're reading this, you saw The Chop during this time. We played a whole bunch of shows in a few different states over a couple of years and wore matching outfits sometimes and did covers that we thought were cool. We did a 60s prom and two great Halloween shows in costume and played lots of great rooms (including Bottom of the Hill, which was to my mind the coolest club in SF, one of the first places I went to see music in California, and an almost impossibly distant goal at the band's inception).

"Fun" was always the primary goal. (Fun for us, mainly, but always in hope that our fun translated into fun for the audience). We barreled over the rough edges with an endless supply of energy and enthuasiasm.

Everything eventually ends, however. Phil made the decision to move back to Philadelphia. Johnny's interest waned as his various responsibilities changed. We played our last show as the original five friends from Delaware more than a year ago at Cafe Du Nord, billed as a release for our record We Want It All.

Shortly after that we recruited Aaron (Levin) to play drums, Tom moved to bass (the instrument he was the most skilled at), and we were a four-piece with one guitar (me). We were a new band with about 700 copies of a CD from an old band. With this in mind, we played about twenty-five shows as The Chop in order to promote the disc and get rid of the inventory. This took about a year.

Last fall James (amicably) opted to stop playing with the band. We picked up Eric Murriguez as a second guitar player. Now we are a four-piece band again, with two guitars. I am the only person from the original lineup playing his original instrument (recall that Tom switched to bass). Hence, The Chop is most certainly no longer in existence. As the new band preps songs for a full length album to be recorded sometime this year, we were offered a great show opening for Japanese band Polysics at our favorite venue Bottom of the Hill. This seemed like a great time to both take the gig and announce the retirement of The Chop name even though, for reasons I've elaborated on above, The Chop (at least, as it was first conceived) could reasonably be argued to have ended some time ago. Thanks to everyone who helped make it fun.

The Chop ends (officially) and a new band begins slash continues. We're arguing about names now...

This band is:

Robert Kassees: vox/guitar

Tom Monaghan: bass / vox

Aaron Levin: drums / vox

Eric Murriguez: guitar / vox

sincere,
rob

Mythical Entreaties and Your Tuesday Night Homework

2009-12-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

First, the news:

Disheartening News:

James Keyboardelstein Kafader ("Jimmy Keys") has opted to discontinue his tenure with our (admittedly corrupt) organization. It was a good run. The Chop is now half Delawarean, half Californian, because of the...

Uplifting / Life-Affirming News:

The Chop has officially returned to proper, double-guitar strength rock and roll with the addition of Eric Murriguez.

The new band has gone into full cocoon mode for a while, working diligently at becoming something even cooler and more manly in stature before emerging Wilford Brimley style in a misty pool of jelly smoke. Many secrets are buried in these mines, dudes.

We're working on a full length album now...all the songs are written (or close), and about 8 are (mostly) arranged and ready to record, so we're just trying to finish up the other 4 or 5 before heading into a proper studio to record this puppy sometime in the early spring.

In the meantime, go check out the separate band we now fully encompass (the Lesotho to our South Africa, if you please) Aaron and Eric's band Pegataur, playing Tuesday night (12/8/09) at Bottom of the Hill. We'll all be there.

Most Glorious Facebook Invite

Covers for Hire: Round 3!

2009-10-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Cryptozoologists!

The hits keep coming in our continuing effort to defame ourselves by recording your specific requests! Proceeds from these go to our recording costs on album #2, which is in the works now. Request one of your own here. Do this now...no really, we insist.

This Saturday night we're playing at Hemlock Tavern on Polk Street in San Francisco.

It's a party for the 20th Anniversary of the 1989 Earthquake! There will be earthquake-appropriate rock songs and even an appropriately named opening band.

My First Earthquake and Goodbye Nautilus are both playing with us. We're even having a gnarly guest guitarist (Eric, of Pegataur) come up to rock some numbers with us. If you're in jail, break out. (!)

Afterward The Chop will be descending all 39 steps into the underground laboratory of your heart to record a proper follow up to We Want It All, so this will be our last live show for some lengthy amount of time.

This week's "Covers for Hire" entry is a Ned Ryerson-style doozy from 1988.

"Straight Up" (Paula Abdul cover):

Keep them coming, you glamorous bastards!

Disguised as a prole,

Winston

(post script: I know this is from a different video, but I always thought the relationship dynamic between her and MC Scat Cat was a lot steamier than with Arsenio)

Covers For Hire: Round 2

2009-09-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

Listen up! As far as my (very limited) research tells me, we are the only rock band ever to attempt something like this! We are taking requests via our merch page on www.TheChopRocks.com to learn and record ANY SONG EVER, at your noble behest.

Go there now and tell us what to do next, or pass the link to this blog post on!!!!

We've been a little tied up with gigs and the like, but here's a cover (by request!!) of the classic 1992 Sir Mix-a-Lot jam "Baby Got Back"

Also-if you are in Oakland SATURDAY (9/26/09)...come to The Stork Club! We're well oiled and chomping at the bit. Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Sue will be there, will you?

Covers for Hire!

2009-08-27T10:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Surface Dwellers,

Here's what's up. As part of our current effort to save up a little money to record a second album we are currently offering to cover any song, (to record it and send it to you) right HERE on our website.

We debuted this about 2 weeks ago and here's what we recorded so far (songs by request via the website).

"Womanizer" (Britany Spears cover)

"Somebody To Love" (Queen cover)

We're ready for more. Lay them on us. Do this now.

Barring that, pass on or repost this link below wherever you can, let other people know what we're trying to do, and help your old buddies in the chop out.

http://www.thechoprocks.com/wwia

We're back to the stage next Friday (September 4th) at Bottom of the Hill. We've got like 4 new songs and a sweet new cover we're gonna play (not one of the ones above).

Attend this show. Get tickets HERE

Also, if you'd like a personal copy of either of these covers, just write and let us know.

New Everything and a couple of Friday shows!

2009-08-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

All summer, we've been writing songs and trying to figure ways to raise a little money to record a new album (hopefully) in January. To that end, we've totally revamped our merch options and James designed a sweet new T-shirt (see halloween-y design above)! Check out this plus all the new merch and website stuff HERE.

For 20 bucks, you get this new T-shirt, a physical copy of our (we want it all), a digital copy of the album, a (brand) new Mix CD from one of us, a unique and very personal letter written in Spanish, an autographed portrait from one of our unforgettable photoshoots (suitable for framing), buttons, stickers, and a special surprise from us! What value! If that option doesn't appeal to you...we have lots of other options, big and small, including one where we'll learn and record any song...just for you.

Please take a look and consider helping us out by buying some of our really awesome stuff, particularly this T-shirt, which will make you awesome.

AND...as a special treat for even looking at that merch page...here's a song demo from said forthcoming album for you to listen to.

"Any Other Lover"

SHOWS:

THIS FRIDAY: (8/14) James and I are doing (separate) solo sets at Brainwash Cafe. This is James' solo on stage debut! Powerhouse of the upstroke Igor (of Coup de Ska and The Titan-Ups) will also be performing...and it's FREE. Starts at 8PM. Brainwash Cafe is at 1199 Folsom Street (@7th) in San Francisco.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4TH! The Chop returns from summer break with a slew of new songs and an awesome venue/night/show.

Buy tickets to this show!

Afterward we will be in full force crumble cake celebration mode proper! come do it with us.

lovingly,

robot from the ancient past who's come to help us with our problems so we can be free. (please note: he is not a hero, nor a saviour...simply a man/robot whose circumstances went beyond his control. specifically, he's kilroy.)

Stallone Movie Marathon

2009-07-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yo dudes.

As you may recall--we are on summer break...but The Chop doesn't stop working. Ever.

James and I are playing an acoustic show at Brainwash in SF on August 14th. Our good compadre Igor is also playing. It is free...and you'll be able to hear some of the new songs we've been working on with the full band, plus Hot Chip and They Might Be Giants covers and maybe some Styx if you're lucky. It'll be James' solo stage debut...so you have to come see what's what and have some beers with us besides. Do it!

Then we're playing a huge show on Friday September 4th, opening for Triple Cobra and PunchFace at Bottom of the Hill. That will really be awesome...should have something like 5 new original songs for that, and we're involved in some intense cerebral discussion as to in which manner we should rock. The general thought is "hard".

Oh yeah--that picture is us at Grant and Green singing "Born in Wilmington" with fellow Delawareans Nikki and Louie. Listen to the song here:

Things overheard at practice this week:

"Those ba-ba-ba's are killing me. You gotta cut that [guitar] solo shorter"

"My amp's in the perfect spot...way too loud for me and just regular loud for everyone else"

- "Now you're thinking like a guitar player"

"maybe this part should just be all [guitar] feedback" (sarcastic)

as tango loves cash, so do we love you.

rob-a-lon 5 out!

New record plans and our summer break

2009-06-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Fun-Lovers,

Many things happening. First, we made some demos for our upcoming album, and had lots of fun doing so. We posted one we're quite excited about here, it's called "Radio Doctor (part I)":

http://tinyurl.com/laku27

Listen to that and please pass along the link or repost it if you can.

We did this recording ourselves with minimal time and equipment, but are really happy at how it turned out and excited to make it bigger and better when we record it again for the album.

We're on summer break right now writing and arranging the second half of a new album, and are trying to make/save money for that inevitably expensive process. If you feel like supporting us (via paypal donation), go here to do so. Even one dollar is significant to us and our rock and roll related cause. Your collective generosity consistently astounds us. Thank you.

We've booked an amazing comeback show on Friday, September 4th at Bottom of the Hill opening for two awesome bands, Triple Cobra and Punchface. This show will really be epic.

Observe the checklist:

1. venue = bottom of the hill, our favorite spot in SF, no question

2. night = Friday, undisputed king of all nights

3. setlist = a bunch of brand new songs that we are very stoked to play

4. approach = fully theatrical and energetic after a nice break from being onstage

5. other acts = high energy, crowd-enflaming, full glam spectaculars (seriously)

6. age limitations = none. all are welcome and encouraged to have fun.

7. FRIDAY night at BOTTOM OF THE HILL with TRIPLE COBRA. We are very happy.

Buy yourself some tickets because this one is likely to SELLOUT.

We have lots of other plans and ideas for this summer and beyond...more details as they are confirmed, but suffice to say we are discussing how to release more songs of more varieties all leading up to and as promotion for our second album being recorded/released sometime next year. Stay tuned.

Here's a little poster I threw together....bigger and better promotional tools to come as the date draws nigh.

it was cold and it rained, thus I felt like an actor,

rob

If you enjoy hearing about the chop's day to day (and occasionally minute to minute) activities via the prism of this writer's brain, follow us on twitter at twitter.com/thechoprocks

Video Representations! and a FREE show tonight!

2009-06-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

Despair not!

Recall that I taped our show at The Hemlock Tavern last month on my birthday (Mayth)...it was, as previously noted, a raucous good time filled with cake, jagermeister, and olivia newton john.

We are playing tonight for FREE at Grant and Green and then taking the summer off.

Some things some or all of us are gonna do on our summer vacation:

1. Go to Europe

2. Practice kung fu

3. Begin a culinary (education) program

4. Write comedy songs

5. Write rap songs

6. Write regular songs

7. Jump rope

8. Wonder where the water ice is

9. Fly across the country to see Steely Dan

10. Procure aforementioned water ice in quantity

check out some videos of the Mayth show (more on our youtube page!)

It seems as though the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him!

rob

Four Lecherous Men and a Little Lady Tour: Recap Dénouement

2009-05-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

When on the road...the long, winding, blindingly lit road that Phil Spector arranged, a rock band must occasionally indulge in the oft-disparaged practice of picking up old friends and taking them for a sweet ride northward. We continue to buck tradition by declaring this practice awesome. Mike Matarese (longtime pal and first cousin to pillar of Chop history Phil, who lives in Portland) met us in Eugene and opted to come along with us up to Seattle. Here's Mike sampling a warm, mysterious, asian energy drink James bought a case of called Bacchus-D. It tastes like liquid sweet tarts, by the way. Gentle man that he is, Mike was thoroughly tree-trunked for the next several hours.

We have a silver plastic robot claw in our van. We inherited it from the van's previous owners (SF rock band Music for Animals) and it's primary use has been annoying each other with pinches or giving pretend handjobs (basically an endless source of amusement) but it's intended purpose was finally realized on Saturday while we sat in traffic on I-5 into Tacoma.

A carful of babes pulled up. Aaron claw-handed a Chop CD. The babes giggled, unawares. Aaron used the silver robot claw to hand them the CD through their open window. They got excited. We got excited.

We passed them again a few minutes later (going a bit faster) and they were rocking out to it (the album), giving us the rock fingers, and generally rocking back and forth with squiggly lines coming off them to indicate joyous movement like in a Marmaduke cartoon. Aaron scored big on this one. (note the claw! babes = not pictured)

No exciting pictures from our night on stage in Seattle...instead we have some pretty decent audio! First we stopped by Azure and Mike's place where they grilled up some killer barbecue (damn, we were craving real food at this point) before the show. These guys always show us amazing hospitality when we're in town--saturday was no exception. At the show we played in between Quadrillion and Kill Cupid, both rock-tastic.

After the show we drove the 3 hours to Portland to crash at Mike's house, and gunned it the rest of the way home on Sunday. Scorching heat: check. Smelly dudes: check. Pajama pants all day: check. Steely Dan live bootlegs: double check. It was a fun ride.

Here's two tracks from our show in Seattle, recorded live last Saturday night courtesy of our website.

The first is a Violent Femmes cover (Add It Up) and the second is a newer tune we've been playing live for a few months (Get Up on Your Feet).

Listen, download, rebroadcast, or pass these on.

Add it Up and Get Up on Your Feet

stay gold,

rob

Four Lecherous Men and a Little Lady Tour: Recap, Part Deux!

2009-05-19T10:14:00.001-07:00

We got to Eugene on Friday afternoon looking to rest up and relax before our campaign of nailing balls to walls commenced for the evening. After being sorely disappointed by finding a severe exception to the "culture rating of the town is inversely correlated to the coolness of the local goodwill" in some town who's name I purposely forgot, we quickly agreed that that the old adage "the exception proves the rule" was a retarded bit of word phrasing trickery most likely first perpetrated by some sly bastard who found a way to confuse his convo-pponent just long enough to hop away unscathed in a cloud of complete nonsense.

Our old (college) roommate Steve was an excellent host, providing burgers as well as outdoor sleeping arrangements. Our stink factor at this point was perhaps a 5, no more. A couple of showers were taken and we retired to the porch to go over a couple of tunes.

We heard our pal Marty was coming down from Portland and decided to knock the rust off of our Steely Dan cover ("Kings"), since Martin Walsh being at the show constitutes our most Dan-receptive audience ever. It went steely, by the way.

Inside the house, Jimmy got very excited about getting behind the wheels of his eighth favorite instrument (right behind "broken organ beat box machine"). He cranked through a quick version of "Tom Sawyer" and then headed to the club.

Check our moves!

James' star-tambo-face-obscure meets "the lean"

Tom finds that clapping helps him enjoy himself more and recalls him of youthful trysts!

Rob's patented stutter-step. This is right before I knock James' amp setup right the fuck over mid-song. Grace be the watch word, aspiring stage prancers!

After the show, we rolled on back to Steve's pad where I must admit I passed out almost immediately on a couch in a room where a drum kit was being played until very late. Pointedly un-rock and roll, but a lingering sickness and sinister college device did me in post-haste. The rest of the boys (and Ariana) partied down for several more hours and reported it grand.

Awake again we headed off to Seattle! More pictures an all-time Chop highlight (courtesy of Aaron) yet to come.

continued tomorrow....

Four Lecherous Men and a Little Lady Tour: Recap, Part 1!

2009-05-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

Like any proper tour, this one began with the mindless, random destruction of our equipment.

Our big blue van ("One of Many") has an interesting tendency to take on more and more household items, dirty clothing, and completely useless knick knacks (all collectively known as "junk") the longer it's in a certain band member's possession. It is a phenomenal ability, really, and it leads to fun like the kind you see above...a stringless, hopeless, utterly value-less guitar is smashed (partly out of spite) by one Heart-thRob. Spring cleaning, as they say...is an important aspect of van ownership.

The below picture displays perhaps the most exciting sector of rock band membership, the loading dock. Such a professional operation as ours has lots of expensive, fully-functioning gear and it all needs to be carefully loaded into (and subsequently unloaded from) "One of Many" before we can properly rock any socks. Notice Tom's excitement...which will not be mirrored upon our return to the space late Sunday evening.

Old Ironsides in Sacramento is a fun place. We've played there before. We laid some sweet pink stencils in Sac-town, sipped New Castles, and sold a T-shirt to the bartender. The bill was a good one, we played in the middle of Ahoy and Starring Morgan Freeman, and like any great artists, took our money and hit the road.

We popped out several hours later in Eugene, Oregon, fully prepared to "pretend learn" a few songs on the porch, to "steal" toilet paper from the bar, and to "Lady and the Tramp" a few Slim Jims in the parking lot...

To be continued....

Mayth Show and The Murky Origins of The Chop

2009-05-14T15:43:00.001-07:00

We really had a tremendous time last Friday for my (Rob's) birthday at the Hemlock Tavern.

Everything about the evening was terrific. Rob wore his birthday shirt and it was (as you might expect) quite appropriate. This May 8th also marked the official 3rd anniversary of The Chop. Who can believe it's been 3 long years.......

(flashback sequence)

In truth, we toiled away for some 8 months leading up to that, primarily dealing with such relatively minor factors as 'no drummer', and 'no experience playing instruments' right up until April 2006 or so. Around that time Phil moved to SF, we had our brief stint with drummer Gil (ahhh, Gil...) and once he left town we promptly asked Tom (another brand new California resident) to learn the drums from scratch. Right at this point James quit the band for about 5 days and we had one practice without him which was also Tom's official first attempt at drumming. As a four piece we played "Slippery People" "Demolition" and most likely "Taste of Luxury" and "Carry the Wood" and were feeling pretty good, I must say.

Then while out at the bar that weekend, James came back into fold and we came up with "The Chop" and all got behind it super fast, with James designing the logo hungover as all hell approximately 12 hours after the word 'chop' was first mentioned. That monday (May 8th, 2006) we practiced for the for the first time as The Chop and the rest is (see below).

(end flashback sequence)

Here's some pictures before we head off northward tonight to play some more. The last one's from last weekend at The Stork, but I really liked it and wanted an excuse to repost it. I also videotaped the show (on Mayth) so perhaps you'll be seeing some of that soon.

I'll be taking as many pictures as humanly possible this weekend and will report back with numerous embarrassing stories about individual band members next week.

The Cake

The Band

The Attitude

News and Updates and Videos of Us

2009-05-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

We got ourselves a video courtesy of RedLabelFilms.com. It's edited together from our live performance at the Coho in Stanford a few weeks ago, but laid over the album cut of Scientist. Abteen and Jay did a swell job...check it!

We made The Bay Bridged podcast April mixtape (that's episode #160) with our song "We Want It All". The Bay Bridged is a well-established Bay Area music podcast with oodles of listeners and mad cred, as it were. If you're hip to podcasts, download that now off of iTunes. It is FREE.

We also have had some exciting shows in the last few weeks, and some more coming up...here's some brief descriptions:

Our Talking Heads Spectacular on 4/17 went amazingly well. Goodbye Nautilus played Take Me to the River and Girlfriend is Better in their set, Touch Committee played Wild Wild Life and Road to Nowhere, and The Chop rocked through Swamp and Pulled Up...at the end 7 of us crowded on stage for a sweet rendition of Life During Wartime.

Also, this girl was there:

Last Friday we went to Davis and had a wild (wild) evening...showed up to find we were the only band playing (although they did line up an acoustic opener) and that we were expected to play for something like 2 hours (as opposed to the 45 minutes we're used to). So we extended all the tunes, ramped up the solos, did some songs we didn't quite know...it was all pretty fun.

At the end of the night one of the bouncers/bartenders was going through and pouring the miniscule remnants of each "empty" liquor bottle into one consolidated bottle. It was a disgusting brown, the product of every liquor under the sun being mixed. He dubbed it "Dumpster Juice" and was really excited about it. Naturally, James took a shot of it. In the bathroom.

After that we went home.

The next night we played the Stork Club in Oakland and I posted a 109xxx Ms Pacman score. Take that, Namco!

Tonight, we ride!

next year is the best year,

rob

The Chop plays the Doug Fir in Portland

2009-04-29T14:24:00.001-07:00

We played an awesome show at Doug Fir Lounge in Portland last week! The venue is a log cabin with amazing sound and killer decor. Phil (ex-Chopsmen and dear friend) was on a business trip in San Francisco (he lives in Philadelphia these days), came along for the ride to Portland, and then jumped up and played some of the old songs with us. The whole night went smashingly. Thanks to everyone who helped make that happen.

Here's some pictures of us onstage, courtesy of Marty.

Hop-along Tommy!

Cavernous ceilings make my voice sound way better!

"Horsing around" in the green room, which (consequently) was as big as many of the clubs' (main rooms) we've played in the not so distant past and was also stocked with RedBull (Tom was in heaven) and other goodies.

what's that? I can't hear you.

Recording Procedures, Technical Post

2009-04-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

While the rest of San Francisco was enjoying the near ridiculously beautiful weather last weekend, The Chop was holed up deep in Oakland's industrial sprawl recording (you guessed it) timeless tracks.

We went in on Friday, got all the microphones setup (this takes something in the neighborhood of a few hours) and then came in all day Saturday and Sunday to track six new songs we've been working on. We're going to do some more work on these and then make them digitally available in the next little while.

A few highlights:

James struggles through a particularly grueling "clap" track.

Tom cocks his head to better hear that minor 6th harmony he laid down.

Rob grits his teeth and wishes he was playing Arkanoid

Aaron's tenacious dome oversees all!

More Adventures in Vinyl Shopping

2009-02-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

I stopped by the Clement Street goodwill the other day with plans to kill a few minutes and just browse but then, like an addict, walked out with something like seven records, each for only a 1.29! I thought I'd briefly describe how cool I think I am based on the choices I made, so here it be:

Abbey Road

A mostly forgotten record from a otherwise consistent rock outfit called The Beatles. The record looks in good shape, though the jacket's a bit faded. To my mind, there is simply nothing better than Side 2 of Abbey Road. I have many fond memories and associations with this album, but here's something that happened to me quite recently: I was heading out at about 8:30 on a Friday a couple weeks ago and was standing at the bus stop on Fulton at Park Presidio when a woman in a car pulls up to the stoplight. She's singing along and bopping around to unknown music in her car, and I think that's cool, so we make eye contact and I smile at her. Then she offers me a ride. I hopped in and she took me 20 blocks down the road. She was cool and her name was Cordelia and she actually asked me directions to her destination in Cole Valley (maybe that's why she offered the ride?) It felt like an exciting, San Francisco-y experience, but the best part was that once I got in the car, I realized she had been rocking out to that section in between "Carry That Weight" and "The End" where Ringo is soloing and things are sort of peaking. Nice.

Headhunters - Herbie Hancock

Take note, burgeoning musicians. Perhaps you'd like to learn to improvise? Perhaps you've tried recording lengthy sections of yourself playing through a chord progression so that you can subsequently learn to improvise over it, but find it painstaking, and never lasting long enough? Track 1 of Headhunters is for you. "Chameleon" is a 17 minute stone groove: perfect for soloing/spacing out over. I learned a lot from this track.
Headhunters and John Scofield's A-Go-Go were on almost constant repeat when I was living with Tom and Phil in college.

Cosmo's Factory - CCR

I was pretty stoked about this one, and listened to it right away. I'm a longtime CCR fan, but hadn't actually heard this record in full. It's got tons of awesome tunes on it (Traveling Band, Who'll Stop the Rain, Run Through the Jungle, and Looking Out My Back Door) It occurs to me this moment that, based on this track list, one can assume that Cosmo's is The Dude's "creedence tape". Boss. I also really like this cover photo, as it gives you a glimpse into the sometimes sorry and typically un-glamorous (although occasionally tons of fun) life of the rehearsal space. Having thought/wrote that, I looked it up on Wikipedia and here's a telling paragraph:
The name of the album comes from the warehouse in Berkeley where the band rehearsed. Bandleader John Fogerty was so insistent on practicing (nearly every day) that drummer Doug "Cosmo" Clifford began referring to the place as "the factory"

Damn, that sounds soul-crushingly familiar slash really awesome. I didn't even know they were from the bay.

I also got an old Kris Kristofferson, a compilation of George Gershwin stuff, and Traffic's "Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys." I need some special shelves for all these discs. I listened to Rhapsody in Blue, and I felt like I knew it primarily from it's use on Simpsons episodes. Modern youth, eh? This strikes me as akin to watching Casablanca and recognizing much of the script as a series of Bugs Bunny lines. But hey, culture is culture. At least I recognized it.

why not take all of me?
rob

Poster for to End/Save All Posters

2009-02-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

Available for free at the show.

James Kafader hath conceived again. It will be epic.

love always,
The Chop

The Chop performs!

2009-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

The Chop is soon to be donning holocaust cloaks, hopping in wheelbarrows, and storming castles all across this Western Coast a la the Dread Pirate Roberts. Get your gate keys ready.

Dates this spring:

February 28th (Saturday): Coho Cafe in Stanford, CA *

March 14th (Saturday): Chop's 509 Club (All Ages!) in Santa Rosa, CA *

March 19th (Thursday): Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco, CA **

this is the big one, friends. You have to come to this. buy a ticket, with love. Mr Kafader's most stunning poster to be posted very soon.

April 10th (Friday): Brainwash Cafe in San Francisco, CA - Blue and Gold (solo)

April 15th (Wednesday) at Coho Cafe in Stanford, CA

April 17th (Friday): Kimo's in San Francisco, CA *

April 24th (Friday): Doug Fir Lounge in Portland, OR

May 1st (Saturday): The G Street Pub in Davis, CA

May 2nd (Saturday): Stork Club in Oakland, CA *

May 14th (Thursday): The Old Ironsides in Sacramento, CA

May 15th (Friday) : Luckey's in Eugene, OR

May 16th (Saturday): Mars Bar in Seattle, WA ^*

* with Goodbye Nautilus

** with The Dont's and Low Red Land

^* with Quadrillion and Kill Cupid

Dates and details and all updates are also available here:

www.thechoprocks.com

In other news:

We're on Rhapsody (an online music service)...Rhapsody pays artists (all of them) royalties for every listen to a song (about 1 cent per play...but still). Support this company! Support The Chop by playing our album on Rhapsody. We love pennies!

Also, please exhibit your unyielding devotion to our cause via Facebook an up and coming online social network which has gained some popularity among the youth.

would anybody care for a peanut?

rob

Blue and Gold's first show

2009-01-29T09:32:00.001-08:00

Hey Folks-

I (Rob) decided to begin recording and performing solo under the name Blue and Gold.

The first show happened about 10 days ago at a cafe in San Francisco called Brainwash. It's also a laundrymat, and generally a cool place to hang out, though their equipment stash left something to be desired. It was a fun and relaxed sort of time with a few friends and bandmates. Soaptones (aka Eric from Goodbye Nautilus) also played a set of his songs.

Blue and Gold has a myspace page with some very primitive demo recordings up, but I reckon I'll keep getting better and will definitely be posting new stuff there soon.

Here's some videos from the show...these are all my songs, except the last one's a Boyz II Men cover.

"Five Points"

"Get Up On Your Feet":

"Radio Doctor Part I":

"I Missed You More":

"The Pace":

"End of the Road":

Where did the time (and all my 5 dollar bills) go? Vol II: SuperBowl edition!

2009-01-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

So very much has been occurring in the spacetime of The Chop multiverse, but I can't find the cord to connect my camera and share the numerous hilarious/gregarious pictures with you. I find text-only posts to be pretty bland, so I'm reverting to one of my favorite topics to expound upon....video games and their effect on my life.

In the last installment, I carefully explained the impact Street Fighter II had on my life. The response was vast in scope and voluminous in nature. "More!" you cried. Today I oblige.

While the beer and guacamole-consuming public are in the grips of "football fever" a syndrome typically fueled by "actual games" with "modern teams" who play a carefully plotted game ripe with subtlety and real world importance (sort of), I am still completely in love with a little cartridge (nay, phenomenon!) known as Tecmo Super Bowl (alternately/commonly/incorrectly referred to as Super Tecmo Bowl).

To say this game has affected my life would be gross understatement. This game continues to define 15 year old friendships. This game has yielded some of the most glorious victories and most crushing defeats ever experienced (on earth). This game made me the man I am.

The game (in brief, for to explain it's intricacies would take many a page):

A football game for NES which incorporates all the teams, uniforms, colors, and player rosters of the time. This in itself was a huge innovation in football gaming technology. You have access to a first and second string (all real people, with individual portraits and statistics) and can sub players as you wish. Defensive players are there as well, but no changes or substitutions are possible.

The game is playable as exhibition or in the context of a season, for the game invents a full 16 week schedule and auto-plays all the games you don't want to. In other words, you can play one team through an entire season and post-season, and let the computer autoplay all the other games (for which outcomes and stats are generated), or you could conceivably play every single game in a season.

My history with the game:

Christmas Day, 1991: Ernest, my best friend at that time, calls gushing with excitement. He has received Tecmo Super Bowl for NES. His elation is barely concealed as he comments on the graphics with a now oft-cited and fondly remembered, "you can see the wrinkles on the ref's face!"

Needless to say I was excited to see the wrinkles on the ref's face.

We begin playing the game incessantly. Ernest's father ("Big Joe Beserker") even got really into it, and they played it and argued about it enough to have Ernest's mother take the controllers away as punishment. Over the last 18 years, Ernest and I only end up seeing each other a couple times year (first because we drifted apart (I partially credit Tecmo Super Bowl with rekindling our friendship five years ago) and now because we live on different coasts) but when we are together, we always play Tecmo Bowl.

Johnny Buffalo Balls Magrans and I also have a rich history with Tecmo, we started our friendship in highschool, with a tradition of me coming over to his parents house for Sunday dinner, a tradition that was enriched by our weekly Tecmo Bowl games. These days we typically only play when Ernest comes into town, resulting in brutal three man tournaments lasting far into the night.

How the playing has changed:

Amazingly (for a Nintendo game) it has held up not only for its nostalgia value (although that is quite high) but for the fact that our strategies and approaches have changed over the years. With many games of this era, one reaches a certain basic level of skill and then plateaus forever. The truly great games however show a subtlety of play and a strategic depth that defy this convention. Tecmo Super Bowl is most certainly one of these games. Over the last 17 years, our skill and understanding of the game has changed dramatically. We've discovered under-appreciated players and made them legends, we've learned the proper use of every defensive position, we've completely banned punts and field goals from the game, and perhaps most importantly, we've thoroughly incorporated gambling into the ritual.

Present Day:

We have a hotly debated "tier" system which proposes to rank the teams, then we revel in creating new matchups and different ways to bet on them. Although we long ago established a standard, needs-not-be-discussed "5-dollar a game" rule, in recent spates we've begun making numerous side bets on things like running yards and pass completion percentage. Other standards (of betting) that have evolved are the following: Shutout pays double, safeties pay 2 dollars, kickoff return pays 3 dollars, and a blocked extra point pays 10 dollars (these are quite rare).

As another testament to the amazing durability of NES games, we continue to play that original cartridge given to Ernest 17 years ago. At some point I took possession of it and eventually bought Ernest another via Ebay, which I then had signed by Tecmo-era 49ers running back Roger Craig at a book signing on Haight Street. Ernest responded by permanently affixing a Henry Ellard trading card to my copy.

I know I claimed to be ready to face an opponent in Street Fighter II, but have since realized that I am now only mediocre at that game. Tecmo Super Bowl is a completely different story...I am chomping at the bit to take you on. I don't care what team you pick, I don't care who you think you are, I will beat you and take your 5 dollars.

Also, as a sidenote:

Bo knows absurd dedication to a Nintendo game (this is not me, and I haven't accomplished this, though Ernest has at least come close):

it's certainly possible that I reached for the secret too soon,

rob

Record Shopping in the 21st century

2009-01-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday, I woke up feeling unbelievably terrible, the result of a long-lasting adventure in the Mission which included shuffleboard, a Moped shop, and culmination/deterioration into champagne toasts at the top of Dolores. Waking up on a Saturday and having absolutely nothing to do is a beautiful, albeit occasionally overwhelming, feeling. I pondered this in a booze trance and decided to hit the streets for coffee, to catch a movie by myself, and to go record shopping.

I still really love the record store experience. I love pretty much every aspect of it, and living in San Francisco has a benefit in the awesome resource that is Amoeba records. I should also mention that I recently fixed my component turntable and have been getting into vinyl, so I went over there to buy some used records as well as CDs, and I noticed some things.

I suppose vinyl is inherently cool, but I want to talk about how Amoeba's pricing of said vinyl struck me as oddly indicative of what is and is not cool in terms of old(er) music these days. They get a lot of used vinyl there, so much so that they are offering to give away boxes of it for art projects or industrious DJs or community vinyl reconditioning experiments. Naturally they don't take scratched up stuff, so most of the albums look great. The main differences therefore are in price, and after my experience on Saturday I found myself (over)analyzing some of the current trends in retro-music coolness, as indicated (solely) by the seemingly arbitrary pricing of good condition vinyl.

Steely Dan The Royal Scam
Price = 3.99
Purchased!

Why do people hate the Dan? I seriously don't understand why no one (apparently) desires this album. There were two of these! This record particularly strikes me as a highpoint of 70s cool. Slick production, hot solos, cryptic lyrics concerning San Francisco. How can Journey be making such a comeback whilst Fagen and Becker get no love?

Van Morrison Astral Weeks
Price = 26 dollars
Not Purchased!

Van is most certainly the man, and this album proves it. I've been familiar with it for several years now, but it has come back up in my musical rotation lately, and I thought I'd see about the vinyl. It was only available as a new pressing, hence the inflated price. I had no idea the kids were purchasing this stuff, but all in all, it's a good thing. Sunny days ahead.

Paul Simon Paul Simon
Price = 2.99
Purchased!

This is a classic for sure. I guess Graceland is probably selling well right now, based at least in part of Vampire Weekend's success and I couldn't find a copy of that at all, new or used. This not being sought after doesn't really surprise me, but it doesn't mean it's not fucking great. Terrific songwriting like Mother and Child Reunion and Me and Julio, and the other album tracks really showcase him as an interesting and I think highly underrated guitar player.

Velvet Underground Velvet Underground
Price = can't remember, but it was expensive
Not Purchased

Not to be confused with The Velvet Underground and Nico, this is the third LP, post-John Cale that has Candy Says and Pale Blue Eyes on it. Scorchingly affecting on headphones. Anyway, VU are forever cool, so this isn't really surprising, but again, there were new pressings of what I was considering their least appreciated (but also best, in my opinion) album so I guess it's still selling. On the plus side, the CD is mixed/mastered to have that hi-fi that's sort of intentionally lo-fi feel to it and almost reminds me of how vinyl sounds anyway.

J.C. Superstar
Price = 3.99
Purchased

I won't bother to defend this. It's obviously uncool, but I love it.

Bill Cosby To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With
Price = 1.99
Purchased

The Cos is cool. I think he gets minimal respect because he's more understated then many modern comedians, more of a storyteller really and less like what stand-up comedy has evolved into. I think he's cool, but it's unlikely that the popular opinion will turn on that one anytime soon. I particularly liked this album cover and will probably hang it up.

Bruce Springsteen Various Albums
Price = various prices!
None Purchased

An interesting one for me because I am convinced he's coming back on the coolness wheel. I've always idealized the man, but my peers have and continue to be somewhat hard on him (this despite the fact that the almost uninanimous "Best Record of 2007", Arcade Fire's Neon Bible draws very heavily and unabashedly from The Boss). Born in the USA was present in multiple cheap copies as this is often considered to the young, hip, newly-converted Springsteen fan to be a lowpoint (Wrong!). Nebraska, the de facto "it's cool to like this (Springsteen) record cause its sparse and edgy" option, was not to be found. Again, no real surprise. All in all though, there were just very few choices for a man who's recorded albums consistently for 35 years. Someone is buying up these other 70s gems (Born to Run, Darkness on the Edge of Town, Greetings From Asbury Park, etc...). I guess I'm saying...Bruce is coming back. Believe.

trenchantly insightful,
The Amazing Rob

November happenings

2008-12-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's been busy and frenzied, my children...

At the beginning of the month, we debuted our new lineup and opened for The Spinto Band at Bottom of the Hill. It was awesome, as exhibited here:

The Chop was a vicious task-master of rock that eve I can pledge!

The boys of Spinto hopped up and helped us close the show with our whiskey-fueled anthem to Wilmington, Delaware. The Spintos are a killer band and awesome dudes to boot. Please send love/money their way whenever possible.

Also--HUGE NEWS:

"We Want It All" is available on iTunes, Amazon.com, Rhapsody and a host of other digital music vendors. Access! But here's the really big one.

The Chop's record slip-slithered its way into the Pandora database.

This is actually a monumentally awesome development in our world. If you don't know what Pandora is, please go check it out immediately. It's a terrificly easy-to-use resource for music, and it is 100% FREE. Now we spend all day listening to the other songs that the massive Music Genome Project deems similar to our own. You have no idea how rewarding an experience this can be.

Coming soon for The Chop: new songs, new album, new outfits, new haircuts, and a new unquenchable lust for power!

Hurrah!

New song + New lineup + Album in stores + Help needed

2008-10-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

Dear constituents,

Many things have been happening here in the hearts and minds of The Chop. Here's a summary:

1. We are hard at work on our new lineup for the November 2nd gig with The Spinto Band. Tom has stepped forward and taken over the bass guitar. And with that change, we've also got a new drummer, Aaron. He's awesome. Check out his exploits/skills with his other band Pegataur, or with his old band BoyJazz.

2. Our album, We Want It All is now available at record stores across this great country! (literally, two stores that are at diametrically opposed spots of the continent).

Get it at:

Amoeba Records in San Francisco, California (1855 Haight Street)

Rainbow Records in Newark, Delaware (54 E Main Street)

Please please please go in and promptly fondle/buy it.

It's also available online now at CDBaby, and soon at various other digital outlets (updates to follow)

3. We have written and recorded a new song entitled "Born in Wilmington", a tribute to our hometown of Wilmington, Delaware. The song is in the form of a traditional Irish drinking song and is meant to be sung loudly, whilst drinking. Lyrics are here.

It is available for the listening/downloading on our various sites and also, here it be:

Fancy yourself a writer? "Born in Wilmington" is just begging to have more verses written.

We ourselves cut at least three from this recording. If you submit a verse that we like, we'll send you something cool (I swear) and maybe even sing it on stage. So submit one. Or just write us and tell us what you think. About anything.

Wondering how you can help us out?

Right now what we need is reviews, writeups or mentions of any kind. Please pass our info along to anyone who will listen. Download our songs (album here) (drinking song here) and pass them around as much as you can.

Thank you.

Led Zeppelin II "Heartbreaker" solos do not happen in a vaccuum,

robert

My Dogs are Tired: Part II of Rob's Reportage on the Treasure Island Festival

2008-09-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Day 2: Sunday

I admit that I kinda didn't feel like going again on this day. This was partly based on weariness, as I'd gone out and drank a passel the evening before at Zeitgeist, and partly because I had a strong idea that I'd already had my peak experience with the festival (TV on the Radio the night before). But I dragged my ass there anyway, free ticket and all, because their were bands worth seeing for sure, and I figured I'd go for awhile and leave once it got old.

The highlight of the day (my day) was Okkervil River. The sound was good, the band was tight, and they played the songs I most wanted to hear (mainly the first two songs off The Stage Names). They can be a bit too melodramatic for my taste sometimes, and yes the lyrics are the sort written by a proud Bachelor of English, but fuck it, I like them anyway. As I garner from my friends, the lead singer Will Sheff may have come off a bit cheesy in his stage antics and crowd banter had I not been right up front and sort of into it. Again we see an example of how proximity has an almost eerily mathemathical relationship with fun times had. Okkervil barely edged out the boys in (my other favorite act) Dr. Dog primarily by performing on the big stage (with bigger, better sound) and having lots of energy.

On to the Dog...

They sounded awesome. My brief history with this band: About 4 years ago, their record Easy Beat reached my hands (via fellow Chopsman Philby, then living in the Eastern lands) and quickly attained classic status in my mind. The entire Chop geeked out on this record months on end, and I went to see Dr Dog everytime they came through SF in the last few years and even a few times in their hometown of Philadelphia while I was in the Tri-State Mother-Area for Christmas. During this period, they toured incessantly, released another record (great, but not quite as classic), and I saw them like 6 times in 3 years. After this, I admit I was slightly burned out on them...still thinking they were cool as shit, but ready for a break from their stylings. I guess they made at least a little (read: very very little, like close to zero) money because they were able to stop touring for a few months to record yet another record (Fate) which just came out.

Anyway, it had been awhile since seeing this perennial favorite of mine, and I was excited to hear the new songs performed. They were boss. The songs sounded great. The harmonies were tight. The drummer, in particular, sounded awesome. We all agreed that he was either really on that night or took a couple steps up in ability or just maybe wrote way sicker parts for himself for all the newer arrangements. Anyway you slice it, he hit hard.

I guess the only drawback was they looked kinda tired. Minus the drummer, the dudes looked worn out and not quite their usual, bouncy selves. At least one person completely disagreed with me on this point, so, maybe I'm tripping. Either way--they really rock the new songs and are definitely maturing as a band. More good shit to come, for sure.

I also saw Spiritualized...who everyone (including Eric, who I took with me) was raving about beforehand. The performance, to me, was extremely boring and too damn loud. The lead singer stood facing at a right angle to the audience, never said a word, and wanked philosophic on hella long noise solos. The band didn't move at all or look like they were having fun. Drag. Also--the show really was wicked loud and on top of that, during one song, the soundguy fell asleep on the slider or something because it cranked the band up to painful, Master D-in-the-end-sequence-of-Bionic-Commando-head-exploding volume. Extra lame, to my mind.

I watched some of The Dodos, who around these parts are being heralded as pop music saviors with wine in hand, and they were definitely good. Their drummer is really really talented. Best part of their set is they had a third guy (there are technically only two Dodos) on a riser in the back who would occasionally pop up from under a table to play xylophone. When he was waiting for his parts, he'd be hiding under this table, and then when it came he'd pop up to play and be really energetic. He really reminded me of a Muppet.

I skipped Vampire Weekend--who were maybe the biggest draw that day--because I saw them for free at Amoeba around a year ago. This was, I'd say, directly before the hype machine throttled them fully (out here, at least). I had not heard their music at that point, and was taken by Eric (the same who attended Treasure Island with me) who is infinitely more ahead of the curve then I am on any given Tuesday. I think they have a cool sound but nothing spectacular going on in the way of performance, so saved myself the trouble and sat listening from afar while waiting for Dr. Dog to play.

I got tired and left before The Raconteurs, who I would have liked to see (I'm a big Jack White fan, and I've never seen him live) but honestly who look better on paper than they actually are. If it had been the Stripes instead--I would have made it work, but instead I went home and considered my opinions.

What's sort of interesting is that the festival organizers divided the two days' lineup at least partially by genre (loading up Saturday with more electro-dancey stuff, and Sunday with the scruffily bearded gems of modern indie rock) so you might assume a Chopster like me would go in more for the latter of the two days. Not so. In quick summary, the first day had lower expectations and more surprises, while the second day was sort of opposite.

I await your call,

rob

The Three Keyboard Minimum is Strictly Enforced: Part 1

2008-09-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

I attended the Treasure Island music festival this weekend, saw lots of cool bands, and have lots of highly informed and sophisticated opinions for the proffering. Behold!

Since atmosphere is everything..let me briefly sum up my some very general experiences with the concert, as all my opinions are beholden to it.

Firstly: I won tickets to both days!

The free-ness of this (for me) event affected my opinions (positively, I think) throughout the weekend. Like many frugal young men, I'm usually conscious of trying to get my money's worth out of a ticket purchase. After a couple of the sets I'd be thinking, "damn, that one totally made it worth the money," then I'd remind myself that I paid exactly zero and think, "man, that was definitely worth leaving the comfort of my apartment for" and so on.

Second thing you should know--I did not see all the bands or even try to. I was definitely of the mind that in order to "hear every note" of music at the 2-day affair (very possible) one would be compromising any real ability to see actual "shows." Basically, it's the idea that if you're not close to the stage or as I like to say "up in the mix" you're not really at the show. If you're way back in a field you're more of a casual observer and to my mind are not having "the full experience." For some reason that paragraph was laden with "quotation marks" denoting "specific phraseology" that seemed to "require it" at the time.

On to the show:

The best set that I saw was without a doubt TV on the Radio. These guys brought it hard and distorted. I had been geeking out to their records for the last few months, so I was primed for a good time, and so we staked a spot early (forgoing some other decent acts) and were right in front for the set. A good performance should do (at least) one of two things: 1. Hook you into liking songs (or the band itself) that you've never heard before or 2. significantly enhance the songs you already know from the record, adding to and expanding what the recording has to offer. TVOTR did both, but particularly the latter of the two. They were the complete opposite of boring. They had energy, they had horns (courtesy of Antibalas), they had shitloads of soul, and their guitar player had chimes hanging from the headstock of his Telecaster. And also Kyp was really really awesome.

They played some songs from their new record (which is out Tuesday and which, I heard from my friends who are significantly more download-savvy, is great) but also killed the first three songs off Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes. "Wolf Like Me" off Return to Cookie Mountain was also a fuzzed out highlight. On their records, they use this technique where they augment the lead vocal with another that's an octave above on a lot of the tracks. It creates a very distinctive sound and is awesome. Even awesomer was (after seeing photos of the band) realizing that Kyp (see above) does this vocal. Both him and Tunde are bad ass singers, and the whole band just rocks really effing hard.

I saw Hot Chip on Saturday, and I really dug them. This was a band I hadn't really heard much of...and based on what I knew didn't think they'd work so well playing at 3PM in a not super crowded field. But they sounded great with like four keyboards and lots of percussive stuff going on and people on stage running around and switching it up. They were a nice surprise, because their records sound like straight synthed-out dance music, so when they had a drummer and full rock-a-thon band going, it was cool. I was a bit farther back for this one, but close enough to feel good about it.

I was front and center for Goldfrapp as well, mainly because I was saving an awesome spot for TVOTR who were up after them. My friend described them to me before the show as "music that a girl listens to while cleaning her bedroom." I found that description to be really vivid and fairly accurate. Not my style at all. Euro-scenesters who wore all white and rocked (at one point) two keytars simultaneously.

CSS seemed like they could be cool at one of their regular shows (i.e. a packed and sweaty club with tons of dancing), but by this point in the night I was kinda zonked and didn't feel much like pushing into the fray near the stage. I watched most of the set, but from afar, so I can't really count this one. LoveFoxxx looked cool though.

The aspect of these festivals that makes all my friends (and often me) cringe is that you can't help but get a diluted version of these bands, and it's not really the same as seeing their proper show. Because of the stage proximity problem, you have to pick and choose a few solid experiences...but truthfully, even if I could have an easy shot at seeing 10 awesome bands in a row right up front under the best possible conditions, I simply couldn't handle it. I mean, my aged feet and back couldn't handle it, but also my mind couldn't hang. After a couple, my senses are overloaded. I need to go home, digest and analyze, and reboot the machine.

ready to roll,

rob

Prattletoads

2008-09-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

No news. The Dark Queen haunts my waking life.

This game is ridiculous.

Must prioritize my life.

B-Toads Update

2008-08-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

Day 3: Last night I played through the Elevator Shaft and on into the Gargantuan Ducts...where I promptly withered and died. I had been playing a decent but not stellar game, and this fact may have helped. Forward progress in the game is becoming increasingly based on memorization

I was confused on this point but now I feel sure: I have never seen the level beyond this one. This means I'm back at my 12-year old ability level after three days of playing. Onward!

Also--check this out:

http://www.battletoadsmovie.com/

Must be fake, right?

Join Me in My (Eventual) TRIUMPH!

2008-08-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Dear NightMarchers,

I really want to keep you updated as to what's going on in my life these days. Something really quite big has come up:

Check it!

When my friend forwarded this to me, I went through a range of emotions. Naturally, I immediately called the rankings of "Most Difficult VideoGame Ever" into question. I mean...it was total popularity contest, with no mention of such ridiculously difficult games (from my own experience) such as Kid Chameleon, Gauntlet, Snake Rattle and Roll, or Hudson's Adventure Island. But these arguments are a trifle, and we all know it. Once my initial ire had calmed, I immediately knew what my path would be. Spurred on by this far-from-definitive Internet list, I set my sights on the game in the top spot. Lucky for me, it was one I knew well and still owned in its original format. If you made it through the video, you know I am referring to Battletoads for NES.

Each level is like a different game. You only get three measly continues. The Wikipedia article even acknowledges how tough the damn game is.

A little background on my relationship with the Toads of Battle: like many games I've played and/or owned I've always harbored a lust to conquer it completely, and I've made several earnest attempts throughout the years to do so (alas, in vain!). Even while my brain was disputing it's newly given rank of "most difficult" I knew from experience that it was, at the very least, extremely difficult and therefore worth my renewed attention and vigor. In addition to that, I was already well-trained in the nuances of the game, so I wouldn't be starting from scratch at all, simply building on an already impressive skill set. Furthermore, when I've "re-attacked" these old games in my "adult" life, I like to think that my general skills have improved and that my age and experience has produced a sort of "wisdom" that allows me to reach my goals a bit easier. Unlike my life-defining experience with Snake Rattle and Roll in 2003 (a game that was made impossible to beat without a simultaneously playing partner) Battletoads, while having a two player option, is actually (appearing to be) significantly easier with one player. With no liege to train, I begin.

Day 1 (Sunday):

Played for a couple hours, where it was quickly determined that a. 2-players simultaneous is significantly more difficult to manage (reasons of friendly fire primarily) and b. James is not nearly as well-versed in the game after several attempts as I am at baseline.

Achieved level 6 (Snake level) fairly easily but this presented the first significant hurdle.

Conquered and moved on to the Fire Pit area, and subsequently the Elevator Shaft. Got stuck there.

Day 2 (Monday): Blew through all previously defeated levels, made it to the Elevator Shaft (level 8) with multiple lives and zero continues wasted. I got all the way to the boss and blew it. I was so disgusted with myself and did not wish to continue the game. Must remember to be watchful for this phenomenon. In retrospect, I should have played through my allotted continues for the practice.

I will keep you updated on my progress so that you may share in this wonder of Nintendo prowess and/or marvel at my life's lack of significance in this arena.

rob

Where Did the Time Go?

2008-08-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Future Celebrities,

Having plumbed the depths of description for The Chop's everyday life and times, I've decided to delve a bit deeper and start looking at the root causes and themes recurrent in The Chop mythology. Here I refer (quite pretentiously) to video games.

Video games were always a huge part of all our lives. But there's a few in particular that I myself played incessantly: for hours, days, months, and in some cases years on end. These select few games got played into the ground, forever imprinting themselves on my (and in most cases our) collective psyche, and will now be discussed in a segment I'm calling "Where Did The Time Go?"

Installment 1: Street Fighter II: The World Warrior

Street Fighter II changed my life. There is absolutely no denying this fact. I was probably about 10 or 11 when a console got installed into my local foodery, and Street Fighter II entered my life. The Newport, DE 7-11 (which comes up a lot in Chop lore) is a 20 minute walk from my parents house. This walk, which is easily and often made, became all the more appealing with roll of quarters in my fist and the promise of hand to hand (or in this case hand to button) competitive fighting. I played a lot of this game.

The appreciation of video games, particularly those that are chronologically and graphically outdated, is something all Chop brothers share. There's something about when a game, or more accurately a style of game, hits the crest of a wave and reaches a golden moment of perfect form. For one-on-one fighting games, Street Fighter II was this moment. I seized this moment (as well as thousands of other moments) to stand in front of this machine and play the shit out of this game.

The premise of the game is simple. Fighters from around the world fly in private jets to fight each other on Russian factory floors, in the crowded streets of Hong Kong, or in the large private bathrooms of the Japanese aristocracy. The gameplay is also pretty straightforward: 3 kick options and 3 punch options and really only a small number of combinational moves somehow translated to (seemingly) limitless hours of entertainment. This was a game where the natural inclination to mash buttons was rewarded in spades, but to chalk up SFII as a "button masher" is not doing it justice. It was just sophisticated enough to capture the nation's minds and just universal enough to simultaneously set our hearts aflame! All this led directly me to play the living crap out of this game.

The Stats:

Favorite character: although I eventually migrated over to using Chun-Li, I gotta go with Blanka on this. His ferocity and overall yellowness wins out.

Total amount of time squandered/cherished: At least a full week's worth of my life

Readiness to take on a new challenger: Super-fucking ready (bring it!)

The Gil Reunion Tour: Recap!

2008-07-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a few choice moments, captured on film this past weekend as The Chop headed Eastward, over treacherous mountains, through Reno backalleys, across the Salt Flats, and into the sparkling sprawl of Salt Lake City:

Reno Party Time!

James before he "does his face"

Our name on the marquee in SLC!

A summary of what we ate and/or almost ate on this trip:

Arby's (almost! Tom's Arb-dar was on the fritz for the first couple of hours), In and Out, Arby's, Broasted Chicken (almost! It would have been an extra 45 minutes!), Arby's, $0.75 tacos, Dum Dums, lots of Michelob and some desert-heated whiskey straight from the bottle.

The Chop needs vegetables.

Download The Chop's New Record FREE!

2008-07-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone,

It's been a long road. There were many setbacks, many triumphs, and many lessons learned. It is here:

Please download it, enjoy it, and share it with everyone you know.

Thank you,

The Chop

No, no, don't worry! I have a Ding King!

2008-06-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Chumleys,

When I returned home from a short vacation two weeks ago, I went out to check on my car (my beloved 1998 Honda Civic) which had been parked outside my apartment for the duration of the trip. I was less than pleased to learn that someone had kicked it. Just kicked it, for no reason. Some jerk was walking by and just decided to give it a boot. I came home to a huge dent (on the sidewalk side of the car) and a visible boot print in the accumulated car-dirt. The car is getting on in years, and I'm no longer able to concern myself with every small dent or scratch that it incurs, but this was a particularly well-aimed tolchock which connected with "Vickie" at a sweet spot directly in front of the passenger side door, rendering the door unopenable. Well actually, to be fair, the door was openable, but not all the way, and opening it more than 6 inches caused the dent to get even denty-er. I was disheartened but not un-optimistic when I biked over to the Kragen Auto Parts store later that week, fully believing that if I could only obtain the right caliber of "As-Seen-On-TV" product, I could make an easy fix of this problem. This is when the "Ding King" entered my life.

At first I was a little skeptical. The DIY dent fix kit I had envisioned involved a high-powered magnet. The Ding King uses hot glue instead, but not that wuss-level, fashion-design-school-dropout, high-energy-Surprise-Rock-band-makes-their-own-T-shirts-style opaquely white glue...the Ding King hot glue gun uses balls-to-the-wall black glue. The glue of Hades! I figured it'd be worth a try. One thing that slowed up my use of the system was the fact that I needed an outlet (to heat the glue gun) within reach of my car. This is an impossibility at my apartment, and so the job waited another week before I took it over to Phil's place, where he, Jimbo and I finally got to it this Sunday late afternoon.

Amazingly, the Ding King worked!

Yeah it took some figuring out, and yeah we had to use it repeatedly, and yeah we finished the job with Philby's silverware sub'd as a makeshift crowbar, but it must be noted: the task was accomplished in huge part due to the design and execution of the Ding King DIY dent removal kit.

Also--though the instructional video (above) makes no mention of removing the black glue spots from your car, we were able to do it with boiling water and a small plastic scraper! Yes!

Just before we got done with it, I did manage to give myself probably the worst burn I've ever had (hot glue really really really hurts).

And only hours after a manicure!

Once the passenger side door became fully functional again shortly thereafter, I considered the "thumb slug" a fairly reasonable downside to what was actually a financially triumphant situation (a $20 fix for a $300+ problem!).

Damn was I ever proud of myself and my friends for being so resourceful and frugal and even innovative. And as a patted myself on the back for a job well done, I scoffed at my own skepticism about an awesome product like the Ding King. Billy Mays: Rock Onward, my friend.

If you have a "ding" that needs some "kinging" you should definitely talk to me.

Then last night after the Islands show up in North Beach and some pretty killer Indian food in the Tenderloin, as I'm driving Jimmy and Ariana back to Potrero, some guy broadsides us at a four way stop and manages to hit the exact spot of the original boot-induced ding. Everyone's OK, but the car is hurting bad. The Ding King definitely cannot handle this one.

Owner of a lonely heart,

robbie "my fleet of cars is dwindling" kassees

Best of Tour Photo!

2008-06-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

Patriots of the Mark,

Finally---I present to you The Chop's long-awaited "best of tour" picture:

This gem was taken in Dunsmuir California, up past Mount Shasta somewhere on the way to Portland. We played at a bar in Sacramento, and drove about 3 hours north to camp on a Thursday night. We were able to close our eyes for approximately 2.5 hours before Jimmy Southbound's ringing phone woke me up at 6AM Friday and I kicked the C-Team into action. We ate a sweet breakfast here in Dunsmuir, cursing and sniping at each other (but polite, always polite America) across our eggs. We did garner some stares. The waitress, for her part, was able to deduce that we were in a band, and once our cover was blown--we headed out.

Apparently, Dunsmuir (the town) is a pioneer in the civically-minded technique of "Organized Stalking." It's their way to get undesirables to leave town, most notably vagrants, sex-offenders, and scruffy-looking city-kids with gleams of hope in their eyes. They employ a nonviolent (aka "softball") form of harassment to methodically purge their peaceful hamlet (population: ~2000) so as to keep their streets clean and their children pure. Seriously, this is taken directly from the Wikipedia article on Dunsmuir. I'm sure if we had stuck around a little longer we could have gotten some better sense of these techniques, but alas the gods of Rock urged us northward!

We pulled into Marty's house in Portland that Friday afternoon and staked our claim to his land.

Marty is an awesome guy who I'm sure will someday have a big, beat-up, blue van, but fuck that! We managed to get one first!

That's right! In case you did not know--we bought a van!

Hooray for us!!!

It didn't end there, friends...no it did not! But I grow weary of typing.

Apoplecticly yours,
rob-otic hand is playing oboe like a champ!

5 Simple Steps For Playing The Worst Gig Ever

2008-04-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

We at The Chop do not believe in self-deprecation. We feel it is unbecoming and anti-productive for any rock band to hold their own music in anything but the highest regard. That said we all encounter trials in our lives and can, from time to time, learn from these sub-optimal experiences. It is with that in mind that we at The Chop bring to you five simple steps for playing the worst gig ever. This list works as both a "how to" and a "things to avoid" list for all you budding rock bands out there...good luck.

Step #1 - Forget Your Amp
Lou Reed said, "All you need is three chords and an attitude". He never said anything about the audience hearing those three chords.

Step #2 - If You Do Bring An Amp, Blow It Up 2 Songs Deep
The only thing cooler than not brining an amp at all is bringing a totally boss amp and then not being able to use it, because you blew it up.

Step #3 - Don't Sound Check; Not Even A Little Bit
Pussies check sound, men just roll with it. This goes back to Steps #1 and #2. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, sound quality and rock and roll are unrelated topics.

Step #4 - Set The Bar High, Really High!
By playing right after an awesome band you can make a lower quality performance come off as a downright awful performance. A good way to go about this is to play with a band you have gigged with before, but not in a long time. Through this you will know that your sounds are compatible (and therefore comparable), but you will have no clue how much better they have gotten. Hopefully for you they are WAY WAY WAY better than the last time you played with them.

Step #5 - Documentation
If you are going to follow the aforementioned steps to the worst gig ever why not take it to the next level and get that puppy on tape? Be a man, get audio and video. This is VERY important, if you get rock solid sound and video from the show so you can stew in your own suck for years to come.

- Philly "34 year old tube amps are totally legit gig amps" Matarese

Million Dollar Bash

2008-04-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hey Jealousies,

Thanks so much to anyone and everyone who trekked all the way out to The Retox Lounge last Friday night for The Chop show.
Who knew the 22 line went so damn far?

The stage at Retox is in the basement, which reminded us of Delaware since San Francisco doesn't really have basements. It felt very much like the basement in your parents' house; the one where your memories of playing Milan's Secret Castle on NES or watching hopelessly-scrambled softcore pornography occur. There was even a fridge in the back with a couple cases of Pabst, and some Hot Pockets in the freezer.

Goodbye Nautilus had their show debut and they killed it...nice style on these guys. Warren Teagarden was having a CD release and the night was going along smooth. Then The Chop came out and made a mess.

Then James got really somber and started feasting (somewhat insatiably) on the flesh of the living. It seemed a little out of character for him...but we all just went with it.

no pRoblem

History in the Making: Part 2

2008-04-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

DONE!!!!

We rolled into our makeshift studio for the week (Tom's room) and killed it dead.

Except it's ALIVE!

and also DONE!

The long months of recording in closets: done. Working around the noise of the N-Judah (every 10 minutes!): done. Crazy buzzing from the improper voltage in our bedrooms: done. Bemoaning the voodoo curses which periodically plague our gear: DUH-UNN. There'll be no more debating who gets kazoo credit, or which of the stereo glockenspiel tracks to use, or whether the black tambourine is better than the red tambourine (it is, by the way...don't ask me why). These things are FINISHED! Never again will we improvise harmonies on a whim and then fight tenaciously to keep them in because they've always been a part of our "vision" for the song. DONE! DOUBLE DONE!

Here's some pictures illustrating how fucking done we are:

Thanks to everyone who helped us out with this thing over the last 8 months...but particularly thanks to the girls (Jen, Ariana, Shannon, Nikki, Jade, and Jenny) who lent their voices to The Chop last Sunday for some timeless backgrounds.
We're gonna push it through the next two stages (mixing and mastering) as soon as possible, and have a finished product in about 5 weeks.

Commencing countdown, engines on....

Ashes to Ashes-era Rob

History in the Making: Part 1

2008-03-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dudes and Dudettes,

The Chop is (for real) one freaking day away from finishing our damn record.

We effing swear.

In conjunction with this impending, momentous occasion, and as a special treat for you, the rebellious youths who have so made us so popular, here is a brand new song. It's called The Pace. It's only a rough mix (courtesy of Hollywood P.) but hopefully that'll be enough for you to continue on for another day.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Rest assured all appropriate historic moments (I told you it would be momentous) will be photographed, analyzed, catalogued, and placed carefully inside an earth-orbiting pod known as "The Timeless Project" so that futuristic civilizations can learn about the legacy we have wrought.

be excellent to each other,

rob

The Pace:

Boosh for the masses

2008-03-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

This unsolicited tag has demonstrated to us, the men/boys of The Chop, that we are on the verge of a cultural revolution - Snoop Dogg-style.

While we cannot claim to have coined the phrase, The Chop definitely credits our own Jimmy Southbound with the introduction of the term to our group, the west coast, and the correct use of the term (according to the unwashed masses at Urban Dictionary - see definition 1).

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boosh

It seems like only yesterday that I posted a cartoon to The Chop's MySpace page resulting in the evil, tyrannical, hateful, villain that is Johnny Bass Magrans trying in vain to end The Boosh Revolution. It was very frustrating. For weeks every time my ears would echo with the sweet sweet sound "boosh", John would say "boosh is dead, give it up", then he would blame me.... "you ruined it". Well Bass, you were wrong. Dead wrong. BOOSH!!!

- Philly Boosh Matarese

The DIY Aesthetic - A Cautionary Tale

2008-03-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

In December 2006, The Chop completed their first bit of recorded material, and decided to have it printed up under the name "Gold Stars". At the time we were, quite naturally, very excited. Over one year later and amidst the numerous emails that continue to flood our inboxes praising our unbelievable production value therein, we are able to look back on those days with at least some measure of wisdom and maturity. We've made some questionable decisions over these past two years, many of which have resulted in us spending lots of money on things we don't need (or that don't work) or us doing lots of work on stuff that no one cares about (or doesn't "work"). But today, amigitos, read the saga that is...(ominous music)

THE MAKING OF GOLD STARS

Now...before I go any further...I don't want to come off as bitter. Money was meant to be spent after all, and time was meant to be wasted, all in the name of fun. It just continually cracks me up the way The Chop tends to process its ideas. Please note: I am most certainly one of the biggest culprits of this, so I'm really just laughing at myself to take some of the immediate pain and tedium away from.....

THE MAKING OF GOLD STARS

Let me tell a bit about the saga of making these CD packages. We decided that it would be cool if each copy of the disc could be personalized, by us. This is not a completely original idea (as I've seen other bands execute it) so I have to wonder how their processes differed from ours, and if they went through the same range of emotions (from self-congratulatory happiness, to self-satisfied efficiency, to self-immolating hatred of this concept). The Chop may never know.

In any case--The Chop opted to purchase an inordinate amount of these printed discs (1000), and the printer forgot to turn off the machine in time, and therefore printed an extra 180 copies, which they gladly gave over to us. This means we set ourselves up to "decorate" (by sticker and sharpie marker) 1180 of these discs, front and back.

Like most grandiose schemes it was fun in the beginning. We all got together on a Friday night and worked for a few hours, drinking, laughing, and commending ourselves on our ingenuity. It really seemed like we made a whole bunch of them. Like, at the time, in my drunken state, having worked for around 3 hours with the entire Chop crew and others, I would have ventured to guess that we would have completed around 100, or maybe 150 of these things.

In fact--we made just over 50. 50 of 1188.

This was the first indication. The first indication of the true treacherousness of what we would come to know as...

THE FUCKING MAKING OF GOLD STARS

We got together a few more times like this, each subsequent meeting becoming less and less jolly...all for the purpose of manufacturing this CD package in droves. As our interest deteriorated, I came up with an idea. We distributed all necessary equipment to each Chopsman's apartment, and we made a little bet: Ten CDs a week were to be turned in by each man. The motivation? Not having the discs meant a 5 dollar (cash) contribution to a fund: a shot fund, for the purpose of buying shots of booze once the ordeal was over. Ingenious, yes? Using alcohol payment as punishment, yes? Despite an initial snag when Tommy "Lone Wolf" opted not to participate because "betting" for "alcohol" is "childish" and also "dumb" -- the plan worked smashingly and the CDs began to be churned out.

Everything was going great--we were nearing our goal, we were nearing our shots (the fund grew to 50 dollars)...then we hit a brick wall. We lost our rhythm, America. Our rhythm! The shot fund (which we all agreed could only be used once all Gold Stars discs were completed) reached an almost unfathomable 80 dollars. With only 200 or so left to go...a compromise was reached. I was paid a nominal fee to finish the damn things, once and for all.

A small sampling of some of the ones I made today:

It was long. It was hard. I laughed. I cried. I hurled. But now, friends...it is done!

DONE!

Bring on the shots!

don't i know you from the cinematographer's party?,
rob

Straight out of New Castle

2008-02-29T13:21:00.000-08:00

Vintage:

Modern:

Great taste! Nothing has changed! Tom still thinks Pink Floyd is "dank!"

Brasilians love Antonio Carlos Jobim (and other news)

2008-02-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Loyalists,

Apart from The Chop having had a hell of a weekend, things are sluggish at best on this post-President's Day Tuesday afternoon in rainy old San Francisco. Over the hoilday we managed to rock Davis and Bottom of the Hill (both) with a little hard drinking at a skeevy, subterranean, motown-jukebox-having Japantown bar in between. With few to no pictures back yet from either gig, I will speak of them only briefly, in hopes that the events will be much better immortalized with clever captions and pedantic sentence structures at some future date.

The G Street Pub in Davis was great. We did not receive any bar napkin hatemail or anti-beard rhetoric this time, but managed to retain our ability to impress the UC Davis crowd with our big-city born, Arby's-induced melodies. We played with Sacramento band Pets who we all agreed were great, so please check them out.
The Bottom of the Hill show on Sunday night was truly awesome. It was hands down the best night of music we've ever been a part of. The crowd was great, The Chop was in stride, and the headliners were amazing. Sugar and Gold went on after us. They have that fine tuned sense of fun that we Delawareans always admire. Grand Ole Party played last and, seriously, if you have chance to see these guys on tours up and coming, please do. They were a commanding presence on the stage, with killer rhythm, vocals...you name it. They deserve the accolades they've been receiving in full.

That all aside, I thought I'd mention one other thing that's been on my mind. Brasilians love Antonio Carlos Jobim.

It is February, and I suppose I've finally gotten back into the swing of things here in California (as have my innards). I'm thinking one more post on my alt-hemispherical vacation ought to take care of things nicely. There's just more I want to say...namely, that Brasilians love Antonio Carlos Jobim.

And I mean, who wouldn't? But they really love him. They give him a bear hug everytime he comes over, (even though they see him all the time), and then they hold on a little too long and let their hands wander a little too far and it's sort of uncomfortable for all involved. Prove it, you say?

First piece of evidence: They named their international airport after him! The audacity!

El Segundo!
They named a street after him in Rio. This doesn't seem like much, right? The street is called Presidente Antonio Carlos. Amazing! This type of subtle "art-meets-politics" social commentary stuff doesn't get past the bumper sticker phase stateside. Kinda makes you jealous there's no "Senators Bacharach and David St." in Kansas City.

And as if that weren't enough...here's the most fiendish display of their affection: They opted to shorten him name significantly, arbitrarily cutting 5 syllables from it to call him "Tom". This mod makes it all the easier for people to name their children after him, chant his name at a soccer match, or pretend they overheard his name on a crowded street. Friends, this is a truly subversive act of devotion. Like spiking the water with smooth jazz and inflecting it with Latin flavor.

Don't say you hadn't heard. They love him. And you should too.

Alone again (naturally),

Rob

Epic Sesh!

2008-02-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Global Martketplace,

This weekend The Chop was at it again recording ever-so-timeless drum and bass tracks for our upcoming (first, full-length) album, which we've decided to call "We Want It All". We all agree that this sentiment aptly describes our lusty ambition for, well, everything.

On Saturday, we went into the studio for the old 8PM to 4AM graveyard shift. We layed down the bass and drum tracks for four songs...two old ones we re-arranged and made way better (these were called "Falling Asleep" and "Five Points") and two brand new songs called "Signs" and "The Pace'. We're pretty excited about all of them, and we're going back in there to do the overdubs (i.e. piano, guitars and all the vocals) on Tuesday night. We probably won't 100% finish any the songs, and we'll end up finishing the tracks at home sometime in the next couple weeks, putting in some instruments we either don't play or own or both (cello maybe?), refining our takes, and also adding weird shit like we do.

Here's how it looked on Saturday:

Now here's the exciting news...this was the stated "last" tracking session for "We Want It All". We've now recorded 15 tracks for this thing, so we'll be able to cut 3 or 4 or 5 out of the final product--which means better songs for you!

We're expecting it all to be done (like done done) in about 6 weeks. We're excited about this. You should be excited about this. Are you getting excited about all this?

rob

Beardist Thought is Alive and Well

2008-02-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

America,

There's something troubling me. As a free and extremely diverse society, we face many challenges regarding tolerance and understanding of differences. No matter how enlightened you see yourself, you are instinctually driven to make judgements about other people based on their looks alone. I'm referring, of course, to Beardism.

Many of us (Freedom Fighters) have long purported that these stereotypes are being bolstered and supported by the entertainment media. The evidence is overwhelming. One can't help but notice that there's a strong and forceful campaign (of late) to portray facial hair as a the equivalent to a fringe lifestyle akin to junk addiction and eventual depressive suicide.

When the producers of ABC's LOST wanted to convey the idea that (normally ethically impeccable) Jack Shepard was sinking in the bog of an alcoholic stupor...did they brainstorm for hours on the proper story arc of his drug-addled descent? Do you think they factored in the timing of their revelations throughout the episode to maximize his character development as a hopeless wino? Did the director coach actor Matthew Fox endlessly on the Jack-curate facial expressions that would convey a sense of longing, loss, and seething anger from beneath an ocean of booze? No. They slapped a big beard on him and figured we'd get the gist.

ABC Audience: "Whoa. Check out that grizzly beard...this cat must be hitting it pretty hard to forget to shave that long."

Or,

"Holy shit, he's totally lost all will to live and has probably been doing some "Leaving Las Vegas"-style boozing to the death while eating Vicoden like they were Pez and oh what the hell let's throw some depraved hookers into this fanciful orgy of self-loathing while we're at it"

All as indicated by a relatively trim beard!

One of my other favorites is the all too blatant "shaving as redemption" plot point. Once they've carefully established a character as bat-shit insane on a liquor binge (see above) there's usually a scene where this character is confronted openly about how batshit insane they've become, and are instructed to "pull it together!" The character then responds by shaving his face, which indicates to the audience not only that he's kicked his alcohol/drug/gambling addiction, but that he's managed to slough off the inner turmoil/regret/longing that's been plaguing him (a nightmarish, spectral remorse which haunts his days and prohibits shaving) like the superficial weight that it is.

The writers/producers of NBC's Heroes pulled this one on us in the first half of the show's second season. In case you missed it, here's a picture:

Nathan Petrelli, a normally clean cut politician wallowing in regret and sorrow over his brother's untimely death...and sweating alcohol from the exertion of turning his head slightly...

who thens "cleans up his act," and shaves away his depression! A True Leader!

Beardist nonsense!
For shame, Media Conglomerates!

Beards are nothing to be feared! The Bearded live and work among you! Please don't stare at us on the bus! We are simply asserting our right to be lazy when it comes to one small aspect of personal hygiene. I am not drunk, crazed, or addicted to precription drugs. I have a job, a girlfriend and a family!

Stroking my chin,
Red Robbie

Post Script: Abraham Lincoln has a great, bolshy beard. So did U.S. Grant. Leaders among men and trendsetters of their respective eras, one marvels at what a beard heyday that must have been.

The Morning Routine

2008-01-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dearest American Public,

A recent poll shows that approximately every last one of you is quite curious about the day-in day-out of being in an awesome Rock band. With those stats in mind we, The Chop, would like to allow you a small window into our ever-so-busy lives, beginning, as most days do, with The Morning Routine.

Just like you fantasize, The Chop all live, work, and play together. We begin our Saturday morning with popsicles in a grossly undersized bed.

Next, we recover our senses slowly by relaxing in the glow of our beloved television, whilst reclining on our vintage, 1970's era sofa.

Quite appropriately, we are watching Hanna Barbera's "Wacky Races". Dick Dastardly and Muttley are winning.

That trickerous pooch!!

After sucking down a few more frozen treats and recounting the previous nights' grandiose schemes, it's finally time to wash away the grime of Friday's hard drinking with a trip to the bathroom.
With our first record so close to being done (a couple more weeks, America!) The Chop doesn't have time to take turns. We all go in at once!

But let me stress, friends: We are not all business. We too enjoy life, and although we have been known to manufacture laughter for our own sinister purposes, we sometimes do it without provocation!

Now that we're showered, shaved, brushed and scrubbed we launch into our day of unbridled, unparalleled, Rock-band fun. Isn't it just as you imagined?

Hoping to erase my most grievous errors with the help of a Wayback Machine,

Rob

Bomberos, and Other Stuff I Found

2008-01-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

I'm standing there in Buenos Aires, purporting to know Spanish, and having no clue what is underneath this metal cover. For 8 days, I was carted around this sweltering little metropolis to awesome restaurant after awesome restaurant, then typically back to the first awesome restaurant for a third or fourth meal that day. The Italian food, particularly, was great. Everything was mind-bogglingly cheap, with the exchange rate being something in the neighborhood of 3.2 to 1. Cab rides typically cost 2 dollars or less.

Turns out "Bomberos" means Fire Department or, alternately (and awesomely as only an online translator would put it) Fire Brigade. At the time I just figured this would make for an awesome album cover.

Like Rio, they don't really start the night until about 2AM, and have little to no interest in punctuality or rushing anything. Unlike Rio, they have a great subway system, and no beach. No beach means no breeze, which means it was really hot there. It was hot enough at midnight for us to unabashedly rub ice on each others chests in public. We documented it. Ice Chests.

This is the back of a cigarette pack from Brasil. There's a whole series of them, with pictures of blackened lungs, people breathing through respirators, and all other nature of effed-up shit. This was easily the best though. I wonder when this trend of really sticking it to cigarette smokers with full color photos of their imminent pain and suffering will make it to America. It can't be far off.

Also note: Counterfeiting abounds!!

Isn't is funny how counterfeit is a word that originally meant "a really good facsimile" (and maintained a positive connotation) and now means something fake and even slightly sinister? Anyway, I hadn't been in Argentina more than 4 hours before being slipped a counterfiet bill by a cab driver. I kept it as a souvenir. It's actually a really good facsimile (!), complete with watermarks and holograms, and it's only failing is the paper it's printed on.

Apparently it is commonly known not to try to give 100 peso notes to cab drivers because always they're waiting for this opportunity to pass off a fake 50 to you, the foolish tourist. This can be tricky though because 100 peso notes are all one gets from ATMs. Naturally, I received this sage advice approxiamtely 1 hour too late. Drag. It's only the equivalent of about 17 USD, so no big loss. More interestingly, it sparked a pretty serious discussion about the place of counterfeit currency in the economy, and the nature of good and bad deeds. There was a contingent voting that I pass the bill off on someone else, based on the theory that money only has the value we assign it and that therefore a counterfeit bill is worth at least a part, if not all of it's implied value. I agreed in theory, but felt that it was inherently evil to pass on this bill to someone else, having them (eventually) feel the same sting that I did upon discovery of the ruse. Fascinating, yes?

Attention Loyal Reader:
I now vow to update this beast of words at least once a week. Get ready, America.

With my cadre of fanatics, consolidating power as we speak,

Rob

Sub-Equatorial Chop!

2008-01-11T17:39:00.000-08:00

Hola El Mundo!

This Christmas, approximately 20% of The Chop flew south to escape the hurricane-like winter winds of San Francisco.

Yes it's true, I spent a full 15 days on that deviously hot continent that shares our namesake, South America.
Let me debrief you on my adventures:

I flew first to Rio de Janeiro, to spend New Year's Eve on the beach.
Despite the somewhat startling lack of English-speaking in Brazil, they retained a sharp handle on our style of Chop-related wordplay.

Chopp is slang for beer in Brazil (eerie, no?), and establishments that serve beer (read: all establishments) are known as "Chopperias". This place was approximately 20 steps outside my door, and provided an encouraging start to the trip.

Rio de Janeiro is a hectic town where red lights and turn signals are invariably disregarded, street-meat is prevalent (beware, fellows, beware), and lime is added to everything (including aforementioned street-meat).
It's definitely a beach town, complete with the intense sunshine, wanton shirtlessness, and public consumption of alcohol one would expect. On the other hand, a standard police pat-down involves a drawn weapon pointed at your back at all times, and they sure as shit aren't afraid to shoot at Santa Claus (click the picture to read). Don't worry...the image is a little misleading...Santa pulled through.

Also in Rio, and also Chop-related, stands Christ the Redeemer (Christo Redentor). Located high atop Corcovado, a huge mountain within the city, the soapstone for this thing was imported from Sweden and then hauled up this mountain piece by piece on a steep-ass railway built at the whim of some rich Carioca who wanted an easy picnic spot.

Iconic image, yes?

But now let's look just a bit closer as this truly revolutionary Jesus:

The Redeemer's Chop-hand is strong!
Catholicism has never seemed so appealing as when JC himself gives a shoutout to one's American ROCK and ROLL band.

Anyway, America, the rest of my time in Rio was spent watching fireworks go off for forty-five minutes while swimming in the ocean at midnight, panhandling with 'Janko' for a few Real, trying my damnedest to get a tan (no avail), and drinking from coconuts. It was truly an awesome time. Perhaps I will write and post more pictures in a couple of days detailing my subsequent adventures in Buenos Aires once I've compiled more stuff and gotten my head straight. In the meantime, Jennifer Sung (early Chop supporter/Yoshi/un-official band photographer) is still down there, and updating a blog regularly...so check that by clicking here:

I can say I am glad to be back.

in a Jefferies Tube of love,
Roberto

The Chop makes plans

2007-12-03T17:03:00.001-08:00

Hello Universe,

Last day/Yesternight, The Chop slaved away as usual on our ever-so-close-to-being-approximately-70%-completed first record. Highlights included the audio recording of the following: some craptastic Walkie Talkies, a Chop-wide staring contest, and also cheap champagne.

Everything's going great though, America. We've set our minds to exploding the Hotel Utah next weekend (December 14th) with our good friends The Dont's. We've even written a Christmas song for the occasion! In preparation for so-called "Christmas writing", we took it upon our backs to painstakingly study the annals of Christmas music (american, european, and "other"), therein systematically analyzing melodic motifs, lyrical themes, and chordal cadences for that "Christmas Sound." Only after this extensive bout of research on the essence of Christmas music were we then brave enough to disregard all that bullshit and write a really simple song in Gmajor!

The song promises to be available (for your home listening pleasure) shortly.

Up ahead for this week:

Tonite: Recording in the Sunset and even more file management in Potrero Hill!
Tuesday: Practice
Wednesday: CD screening with a Print Gocco, and more than likely file management also!
Thursday: Practice
Friday: Recording! A Christmas song!
Saturday: Panhandling in San Francisco! We now must beg for change!
Sunday: More recording, more file management, and James' brain to explode at 11:30PM!

His Benevolence,
Robbie Kassees

Up all Night With The Chop!

2007-11-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

How does the Chop manage to stay up all night recording timelessly classic tracks of shimmeringly golden timelessness? Well, it's not as terribly easy as you might think. To keep our spirits afloat, and our high-fiving hands strong, The Chop turns to Howling Monkey Energy Drink:

Howling Monkey keeps the The Chop thirsting for the sweet kiss of perfection from their tracking sessions!

Don't believe it?!?!

See how Jimmy Southbound is TRANSFORMED in this dramatization of last nights' events!
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................
..........................................................

BEFORE the Monkey (2:30AM):
Lifeless, Drowsy, Uninspired---It seems completely unlikely that he is about lay down synth takes which will transcend time:

AFTER the Monkey (2:45AM):
Blisteringly awesome! Ready for blood! And timelessness!

Howling Monkey Energy Drink helps The Chop spring into action to re-re-record their timeless songs again and again and again!
Forever!!
Throughout time!!
We seriously won't ever stop!!!
EVER!!!!
Strange Taste of Wood in the Bars!!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!

at work, in a sleep-deprived daze,
thRob-ert

Halloween 2007 in San Francisco!

2007-11-09T09:32:00.001-08:00

Dear America,

The Chop had a great Halloween this year. We played on an awesome bill over at ELBO Room with The May Fire, Countless Others, and A Pack of Wolves. Thanks to everyone came out to the show. Here's a look at the celebration:

I realize that your mind is already blown, but you can at least take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Over 200 people came out last Friday, and it was really a blast. The Chop executed a last-minute, backstage costume change to come out and play as Shaolin Tournament combatants Raiden, Johnny Cage, Kano, Goro, and Scorpion.

Phil scorched the earth with guitar-lightning, Tommy crushed the Bill Ward fills, and a shirtless Johnny Bass reveled in his own shirtlessness. Then James threw on the bone-splintering synth patch and someone's rib got broken by the resultant rock (for real).

Oh yeah, and I got down on the ground.

Thanks to all involved.

Flawless Fucking Victory.

in the process of 'finishing him,'
Robbie

(original post Friday, November 02, 2007)

Adventures in Davis (aka Dear Band, You Suck)

2007-11-09T09:31:00.001-08:00

Holy Crap, America. The Chop had a helluva time up in Davis this past weekend. Let me tell you all about it.

Part 1: Panhandling

We decided to head up in the mid-afternoon, in hopes of promoting the show that evening on the streets. The Chop had never been to Davis, and had no clue what type of situation we were walking into. We had been told that G-Street Pub was really small, but also about the only cool place to play, so we were unsure of what we'd find at the load-in, and we wanted to try and pull in a crowd on our first try in the town.

We brought about about 50 CDs to give away and our jank acoustic for street performance. This was something discussed and joked about at length, but not actually rehearsed or planned in anyway, and a first for The Chop in any case. At first we roamed the streets surrounding the bar, singing (whatever came to our heads, really), and banging on tambourines. The sweet thing about Janko (our guitar) is that it's so small, it does not require a strap, and one can easily navigate an unknown burg whilst strumming emphatically and belting out Weezer lyrics all at the same time.

We finally settled into a nice spot in front of what looked to be a cool record store (please note, America, we did not actually go into said record store). Stationary pan-handling turned out to be the way to go. Johnny and Phil bounced happily around on the streets, taking on the duel job of singing along and handing out the discs to promote our show. I think we impressed some newly-minted fans in the (highly sought after) 7-10 year old girl demographic. Once we got a little more settled in to a spot, we cranked through some classic Chop numbers like "Carry the Wood", "Life in the Bars", "Taste of Luxury", and the infamous "Reggae Taste of Luxury". Unfortunately, it was determined that upstrokes do not a reggae version make, and we resolved to only try that again with drum kit intact. But...we actually made some money! Phil music-talked a guy for awhile, and he gave us a sawbuck for the effort. Yes!

We sang some more, managed to give away all the CDs, and James toiled away at a small handout (the show was still a few hours away) while Tom gave a shot at some harmonica on "Oh Yoko". Finally, we decided to go wait at the bar for our slot to come up.

Part 2: The Bar

G Street Pub is a pretty cool place. There's a decent-sized stage, a backroom with pool and arcade games, a patio area, and they sell deuces of New Castle at the bar (for more on the phenomenon of deuces in Chop-culture see "The Use of 22oz New Castle Bottles as Currency, and Other Staples of Early Chop Behavior." McKinley, et al. 2005).

We rocked it. Hard.

Part 3: The Crowd

Was the most polarized we've seen. The folks in Davis were really split on The Chop. This was made particularly poignant by the fact that we all agree we played about the best we've ever played. In other words, remove any onstage flaws or fuckups from the equation, and you get a really intriguing look at how we were received solely on the basis of our songs and our style. The response was really strong in both directions. For instance...during the final bars of Walkie Talkie (our last song of the evening), a guy who was apparently displeased wrote his thoughts on a bar napkin and delivered it to the stage. We saved it as our very first Hate Mail...

Then, directly in opposition to that...we walked off stage and were immediately congratulated profusely by three girls (and a dude) who had heard us earlier on the streets (promotion pays off!) and had been prompted to come out for the set. They expressed how awesome they thought we were...then bought a bunch of our merch. Awesome. But that was not the end of the feedback dichotomy we took in, my friends. There were two (other) girls in the crowd dancing like mad and screaming for more. They even wrote our name across their stomachs. Later on, we went back to their hotel room to eat doritos and wrestle.

Then to cap it off, we were accosted by some old(er) woman who seemed obsessed with us shaving. She kept saying shit like "It's not the seventies anymore, stop pretending you're 22," "Why do you wear headbands?" and also, "Your songs are decent, but you really need to shave."

Davis---you really were an odd one.

With Clipboard in Hand,
Rob

(Original post Tuesday, October 16, 2007)

The Joys of Data Entry

2007-11-09T09:29:00.001-08:00

You're probably wondering how the hell The Chop administration keeps up with the flood of data that is necessary to run a Rock and Roll band. Well I am going to explain it all to you, here, now. forever.

I, Throb Kassees, love data entry.

I've known this now for some time, but manage to keep rediscovering it within myself. It's a good thing too...how else could The Chop keep track of all the different outfit choices, rigorous pre-show calisthenic/alcohol regimens, or the vast number of choruses in every live version of Carry the Wood? The answer is simple: they could not. They would not.

I live to collect, accumulate, agreggate, archive, compile, consolidate, and extrapolate Chop-o-philic data sets.
My spreadsheet is formidable.

The Chop blesses your home,
Rob

(Original post Tuesday, October 09, 2007)

Bad Luck for Robman

2007-11-09T09:28:00.001-08:00

Many of you out there are probably wondering….what’s the deal with Rob’s recent string of bad luck? I heard some whack shit has been happening to him lately. Quite lamentably my friends, this is true. Let me elaborate.

1. My iPod breaks:
Two Thursdays past, I’m sitting at my desk, merrily avoiding work and listening to my Ipod, when the damn thing freezes. Just stops, mid-song. Very anti-climactic, actually. I always assumed that my iPod would meet its end a bit more conclusively: in pieces on the pavement after a foolhardy drunken spill, or maybe in the depths of Spreckels Lake after a Christian Okoye-style fumble in the park. Instead, the damn thing stops what it’s doing, for no reason at all. What a piece.

2. My car gets busted into
It’s Saturday night and I’m out on the town with Jimmy “Southbound”, peeting, govreeting, and checking out newly purchased flying V’s until 4AM or so. Upon awakening the next afternoon, as we head to Potrero for breakfast I become aware of the fact that my car window has been smashed. Now…I fully understand the social context of this event. It’s part of our deal with the crackheads and degenerates that we get to live and park in areas of great consumer-based convenience, and they, in turn, occasionally break into our cars and throw the contents of the glove everywhere, while still managing to miss the stereo located therein. But---that being said….this was not what had occurred. This scoundrel didn’t even go inside my car. He apparently had no interest in ripping off my stereo, or even in snatching up my car-stored goodies (which include a multitude of CDs scratched into un-playability by my treatment of them as baseball cards, and various sweat-stained Chop accouterments left there by my considerate and tidy-minded bandmates). I’ve had my share of criminal urges but mindless destruction was never one of them. Fucking delinquents.

3. I wreck on my bike
Well, actually, it wasn’t my bike. It was the company bike. People at my job complained enough about having to walk stuff to different buildings that they managed to commandeer themselves a bicycle. Its intended purpose is the work-related portage of tissue samples and lab supplies but at the time of my shit-eating, I was doing no such thing. Instead I was coasting around campus on a sunny afternoon (Monday) enjoying an abundantly tarnished view of the bay. Interesting thing is, I wasn’t even doing anything particularly foolish on the bike. You see, it’s one of those fold-it-up-and-take-it-on-the-train bikes. I have no doubt that when train-commuting from Vacaville (or some other God-forsakenly distant place that people still seem to commute from) having a bike which folds up to the size of a 486 computer tower is quite convenient, but the design’s utility eludes me when the handlebars opt to fold 90 degrees inward as I’m riding along at a reasonable clip on relatively flat ground. Luckily, I found the pavement to be warm and forgiving, and I made it away with a few minor scrapes. The worst of it was that my palm was all muffed up, which seriously inhibited my high-fiving ability for a week or so.

4. My guitar amp breaks
The day before we leave to gig up north, we’re at practice and my poor little amp is making this God-awful din up and above even Dr. Cock’s Pure Noise Machine Synth Monster 7000. A couple Fezzik-style jogs to the frame caused the noise to stop for a while, but it’s clearly getting worse as the night progresses. By the time Tits is polishing off his third Red Bull, the amp no longer responds to repeated pounding. It then also becomes clear that the speaker itself is ripped (a technically unrelated, though possibly correlated, problem). Some amply funded guitar players would revel at this chance, I’m sure. An excuse to purchase some piece of vintage wonderment they’d been eyeing for a year on eBay. Not me. I don’t know what to get. I haven’t been eyeing anything. But clearly, this problem needs a solution. I guess I’ll be keeping my ears peeled for that magic combination of growling midrange and super-70’s gain that made the Peavey so damn special.

Groin-grabbingly yours,
Rob

(original post Monday, June 18, 2007)

How to Cancel Band Practice: A Nine Step Program

2007-11-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

Hey boys and girls if you've ever wondered how to have a good time on a Friday night take a lesson from The Chop!

Step one: Before the party head to Chinatown with your favorite drinking buddy whose penchant for mischief and questionable judgment matches your own.
(Note: Chinatown is great because the Asians really like it when white people storm into their local bars and cause a ruckus whilst they are quietly trying to watch soap operas in their native tongue, with sub-titles in some other Asian country's native tongue.)
Step two: Before you go to the party make sure you bring enough champagne to make your fellow party goers say, "Damn, The Chop celebrates New Year's Eve every fucking night!"
Step Three: Now this is really important: Don't leave the party until there is absolutely no chance you could possibly get home without injuring yourself, or someone else, or at least some sort of public property.
(Note: After you have left the party make sure your trusted friend is with you. You're going to need him.)
Step Four: When you see a poorly lit piece of nicely manicured North Beach shrubbery DO NOT HESITATE! Jump right in that sucker.
Step Five: When you feel the blunt, rusty spike enter your thigh, ignore it. You can walk it off.
(Note: These spikes shouldn't be there in the first place. All they do is restrict plants in, forcing them to grow straight.)
Step Six: When your trusted friend shoves you to the ground and clamps his hands over your open wound (which is bleeding like a virgin in her first Ass to Mouth underground amateur porn video) make you sure you say something like, "Ambulance? I don't need an ambulance you pussy!" This probably isn't true but it makes you look tough.
Step Seven: As the cops roll up and shove said trusted friend against the wall yelling things like,"What the fuck did you stab him with!" make sure you laugh as loud as you can. DON'T say something like, "Hey, that guy just prevented me from bleeding to death on the street and indirectly ensured the greatest band in the world can continue its mission of spreading pure rock and true love."
Step Eight: Later, when the nurse asks which arm you want your tetanus shot, think hard. Not on which hand you write with, or even which hand you prefer to pleasure yourself with, but which hand you rock more with. (I went with the right because The Chop is not Danish Death Metal and fret work is more important than blind speed.)
Step Nine: When it’s all over and they release you from the Hospital six hours later as the sun begins to rise, call your local Chop brother. He'll be there, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Epilogue: All these events occurred as dictated from Buffalo Balls under oath to stenographer: Chuckley McGiggles.

-Johnny B.

(original post Wednesday, April 18, 2007)

Words to describe Washington Mutual

2007-11-09T09:23:00.001-08:00

bent, caught, corrupt, crooked, culpable, deplorable, dirty, felonious, hung up*, illegal, illegitimate, illicit, immoral, indictable, iniquitous, nefarious, peccant, racket, scandalous, senseless, shady*, smoking gun*, unlawful, unrighteous, vicious, villainous, wicked, wildcat*, wrong, blackmailer, blotto, con, convict, crook, culprit, delinquent, desperado, deuce, evildoer, felon, fugitive, gangster, guerilla, hatchet man, heavy*, hood*, hoodlum, hooligan*, hustler, inside man, jailbird, lawbreaker, malefactor, mobster, moll, mug, muscle man, offender, outlaw, racketeer, repeater, scofflaw, shylock, sinner, slippery eel*, thug*, transgressor, trespasser, wrongdoer, yard bird, bad at life, deceitful, devious, dishonest, dishonorable, double-dealing, dubious, fraudulent, indirect, knavish, lying, nefarious, questionable, ruthless, shady, shifty, treacherous, underhand, unlawful, unprincipled, unscrupulous, untruthful

You may be asking yourself, "Why and how can Phil (of The Chop) hate WaMu so much"?

I will tell you.

Yesterday (March 1st, 2007) at 5:15pm I received a cashier’s check from WaMu for $2,008 to pay my rent for March (My douche bag landlord will only accept cashier's checks). By the time I had gotten home at from work at 6:40pm the check was either lost or stolen. I proceeded to call the WaMu customer service center to have the check canceled. The 1st delightful sub-creature that I spoke too was somewhere between a chimp and a human with Down’s Syndrome (though she was quite good at saying “Sir” every seventh word (I assume that she was equally skilled at dropping out of middle school), so I asked to speak to her manager.

Now I used to work a customer service phone job, so I know that yelling and being mean does you no good, so I was quite cordial. The gentleman that I was transferred too (Nick) clearly had an IQ that cracked the ever important 100 point mark but was still mostly useless. He was a professional spin doctor and the conversation that we held focused on sayings like “at the branches digression”, “additional security holds”, “risk to the bank”, “Sir”, and “I can see how from the consumers point of view”. He was a worthless douche and should be doing brand marketing for Massengill, not customer service for WaMu. I pushed Nick to say anything committal, he declined.

There was one piece of advice from Nick that I did take to heart and that was, “wait until tomorrow, the branch can sort it out”. He was wrong!

Today (March 2nd, 2007) at 9:20 a.m. I walked in to the branch that issues the check with the receipt for the check in hand. The woman that I talked to today (Judy) was quite nice, but equally useless. To be fair to Judy I would call her powerless rather than useless. She explained that they can’t cancel I cashiers check. I said, “But the dude who cut the check yesterday made a mistake and made the check for too little money. He re-cut the check”. She said, “If you had come back yesterday or still had the check we could re-cut it” (way to go Nick / douche / I love to bathe myself in my own cum, where is your “chill out, they can take care of this tomorrow” bullshit now?). Now Judy, if I still had the check we wouldn’t have been holding this conversation would we? What kind of ass-backwards logic does your bank operate under? Given that the mean education of your work force hovers between GED and 11th grade it should come as no surprise. So I was left fully dissatisfied and still have no way to pay rent.

How it all ends:

Phil gets to cancel the check and wait 90 days (89 days since March 1st counts as a day) to get my $2,008 back. I get to transfer money out of personal saving to pay rent (4 days late at $10 a day late fee to me) and around the 1st of June I recover my cash from those blooding drinking, heartless, god-fearing, whores, know only as Washington Mutual.

Through Him, in Him, and with Him,
Phil (of The Chop)

(original post Monday, March 05, 2007)

Halloween 2007 in San Francisco!

2007-11-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Davis (aka Dear Band, You Suck)

2007-10-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

The Joys of Data Entry

2007-10-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

Bad Luck for Robman

2007-06-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

How To Cancel Band Practice: A Nine Step Program

2007-04-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hey boys and girls if you've ever wondered how to have a good time on a Friday night take a lesson from The Chop!

Step one: Before the party head to Chinatown with your favorite drinking buddy whose penchant for mischief and questionable judgment matches your own.
(Note: Chinatown is great because the Asians really like it when white people storm into their local bars and cause a ruckus whilst they are quietly trying to watch soap operas in their native tongue, with sub-titles in some other Asian country's native tongue.)
Step two: Before you go to the party make sure you bring enough champagne to make your fellow party goers say, "Damn, The Chop celebrates New Year's Eve every fucking night!"
Step Three: Now this is really important: Don't leave the party until there is absolutely no chance you could possibly get home without injuring yourself, or someone else, or at least some sort of public property.
(Note: After you have left the party make sure your trusted friend is with you. You're going to need him.)
Step Four: When you see a poorly lit piece of nicely manicured North Beach shrubbery DO NOT HESITATE! Jump right in that sucker.
Step Five: When you feel the blunt, rusty spike enter your thigh, ignore it. You can walk it off.
(Note: These spikes shouldn't be there in the first place. All they do is restrict plants in, forcing them to grow straight.)
Step Six: When your trusted friend shoves you to the ground and clamps his hands over your open wound (which is bleeding like a virgin in her first Ass to Mouth underground amateur porn video) make you sure you say something like, "Ambulance? I don't need an ambulance you pussy!" This probably isn't true but it makes you look tough.
Step Seven: As the cops roll up and shove said trusted friend against the wall yelling things like,"What the fuck did you stab him with!" make sure you laugh as loud as you can. DON'T say something like, "Hey, that guy just prevented me from bleeding to death on the street and indirectly ensured the greatest band in the world can continue its mission of spreading pure rock and true love."
Step Eight: Later, when the nurse asks which arm you want your tetanus shot, think hard. Not on which hand you write with, or even which hand you prefer to pleasure yourself with, but which hand you rock more with. (I went with the right because The Chop is not Danish Death Metal and fret work is more important than blind speed.)
Step Nine: When it’s all over and they release you from the Hospital six hours later as the sun begins to rise, call your local Chop brother. He'll be there, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Epilogue: All these events occurred as dictated from Buffalo Balls under oath to stenographer: Chuckley McGiggles.

-Johnny B.

Words to Describe Washington Mutual:

2007-03-05T15:39:00.000-08:00