5 Simple Steps For Playing The Worst Gig Ever

We at The Chop do not believe in self-deprecation. We feel it is unbecoming and anti-productive for any rock band to hold their own music in anything but the highest regard. That said we all encounter trials in our lives and can, from time to time, learn from these sub-optimal experiences. It is with that in mind that we at The Chop bring to you five simple steps for playing the worst gig ever. This list works as both a "how to" and a "things to avoid" list for all you budding rock bands out there...good luck.


Step #1 - Forget Your Amp
Lou Reed said, "All you need is three chords and an attitude". He never said anything about the audience hearing those three chords.

Step #2 - If You Do Bring An Amp, Blow It Up 2 Songs Deep
The only thing cooler than not brining an amp at all is bringing a totally boss amp and then not being able to use it, because you blew it up.

Step #3 - Don't Sound Check; Not Even A Little Bit
Pussies check sound, men just roll with it. This goes back to Steps #1 and #2. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, sound quality and rock and roll are unrelated topics.

Step #4 - Set The Bar High, Really High!
By playing right after an awesome band you can make a lower quality performance come off as a downright awful performance. A good way to go about this is to play with a band you have gigged with before, but not in a long time. Through this you will know that your sounds are compatible (and therefore comparable), but you will have no clue how much better they have gotten. Hopefully for you they are WAY WAY WAY better than the last time you played with them.

Step #5 - Documentation
If you are going to follow the aforementioned steps to the worst gig ever why not take it to the next level and get that puppy on tape? Be a man, get audio and video. This is VERY important, if you get rock solid sound and video from the show so you can stew in your own suck for years to come.


- Philly "34 year old tube amps are totally legit gig amps" Matarese

Million Dollar Bash

Hey Jealousies,

Thanks so much to anyone and everyone who trekked all the way out to The Retox Lounge last Friday night for The Chop show.
Who knew the 22 line went so damn far?

The stage at Retox is in the basement, which reminded us of Delaware since San Francisco doesn't really have basements. It felt very much like the basement in your parents' house; the one where your memories of playing Milan's Secret Castle on NES or watching hopelessly-scrambled softcore pornography occur. There was even a fridge in the back with a couple cases of Pabst, and some Hot Pockets in the freezer.

Goodbye Nautilus had their show debut and they killed it...nice style on these guys. Warren Teagarden was having a CD release and the night was going along smooth. Then The Chop came out and made a mess.







Then James got really somber and started feasting (somewhat insatiably) on the flesh of the living. It seemed a little out of character for him...but we all just went with it.



no pRoblem

History in the Making: Part 2

DONE!!!!

We rolled into our makeshift studio for the week (Tom's room) and killed it dead.

Except it's ALIVE!

and also DONE!

The long months of recording in closets: done. Working around the noise of the N-Judah (every 10 minutes!): done. Crazy buzzing from the improper voltage in our bedrooms: done. Bemoaning the voodoo curses which periodically plague our gear: DUH-UNN. There'll be no more debating who gets kazoo credit, or which of the stereo glockenspiel tracks to use, or whether the black tambourine is better than the red tambourine (it is, by the way...don't ask me why). These things are FINISHED! Never again will we improvise harmonies on a whim and then fight tenaciously to keep them in because they've always been a part of our "vision" for the song. DONE! DOUBLE DONE!

Here's some pictures illustrating how fucking done we are:











Thanks to everyone who helped us out with this thing over the last 8 months...but particularly thanks to the girls (Jen, Ariana, Shannon, Nikki, Jade, and Jenny) who lent their voices to The Chop last Sunday for some timeless backgrounds.
We're gonna push it through the next two stages (mixing and mastering) as soon as possible, and have a finished product in about 5 weeks.

Commencing countdown, engines on....

Ashes to Ashes-era Rob

History in the Making: Part 1

Dudes and Dudettes,

The Chop is (for real) one freaking day away from finishing our damn record.

We effing swear.

In conjunction with this impending, momentous occasion, and as a special treat for you, the rebellious youths who have so made us so popular, here is a brand new song.  It's called The Pace. It's only a rough mix (courtesy of Hollywood P.) but hopefully that'll be enough for you to continue on for another day.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Rest assured all appropriate historic moments (I told you it would be momentous) will be photographed, analyzed, catalogued, and placed carefully inside an earth-orbiting pod known as "The Timeless Project" so that futuristic civilizations can learn about the legacy we have wrought.

be excellent to each other,

rob

The Pace:

Boosh for the masses

This unsolicited tag has demonstrated to us, the men/boys of The Chop, that we are on the verge of a cultural revolution - Snoop Dogg-style.

While we cannot claim to have coined the phrase, The Chop definitely credits our own Jimmy Southbound with the introduction of the term to our group, the west coast, and the correct use of the term (according to the unwashed masses at Urban Dictionary - see definition 1).

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boosh

It seems like only yesterday that I posted a cartoon to The Chop's MySpace page resulting in the evil, tyrannical, hateful, villain that is Johnny Bass Magrans trying in vain to end The Boosh Revolution. It was very frustrating. For weeks every time my ears would echo with the sweet sweet sound "boosh", John would say "boosh is dead, give it up", then he would blame me.... "you ruined it". Well Bass, you were wrong. Dead wrong. BOOSH!!!


- Philly Boosh Matarese

The DIY Aesthetic - A Cautionary Tale

In December 2006, The Chop completed their first bit of recorded material, and decided to have it printed up under the name "Gold Stars". At the time we were, quite naturally, very excited. Over one year later and amidst the numerous emails that continue to flood our inboxes praising our unbelievable production value therein, we are able to look back on those days with at least some measure of wisdom and maturity. We've made some questionable decisions over these past two years, many of which have resulted in us spending lots of money on things we don't need (or that don't work) or us doing lots of work on stuff that no one cares about (or doesn't "work"). But today, amigitos, read the saga that is...(ominous music)


THE MAKING OF GOLD STARS

Now...before I go any further...I don't want to come off as bitter. Money was meant to be spent after all, and time was meant to be wasted, all in the name of fun. It just continually cracks me up the way The Chop tends to process its ideas. Please note: I am most certainly one of the biggest culprits of this, so I'm really just laughing at myself to take some of the immediate pain and tedium away from.....

THE MAKING OF GOLD STARS

Let me tell a bit about the saga of making these CD packages. We decided that it would be cool if each copy of the disc could be personalized, by us. This is not a completely original idea (as I've seen other bands execute it) so I have to wonder how their processes differed from ours, and if they went through the same range of emotions (from self-congratulatory happiness, to self-satisfied efficiency, to self-immolating hatred of this concept). The Chop may never know.

In any case--The Chop opted to purchase an inordinate amount of these printed discs (1000), and the printer forgot to turn off the machine in time, and therefore printed an extra 180 copies, which they gladly gave over to us. This means we set ourselves up to "decorate" (by sticker and sharpie marker) 1180 of these discs, front and back.



Like most grandiose schemes it was fun in the beginning. We all got together on a Friday night and worked for a few hours, drinking, laughing, and commending ourselves on our ingenuity. It really seemed like we made a whole bunch of them. Like, at the time, in my drunken state, having worked for around 3 hours with the entire Chop crew and others, I would have ventured to guess that we would have completed around 100, or maybe 150 of these things.

In fact--we made just over 50. 50 of 1188.

This was the first indication. The first indication of the true treacherousness of what we would come to know as...

THE FUCKING MAKING OF GOLD STARS

We got together a few more times like this, each subsequent meeting becoming less and less jolly...all for the purpose of manufacturing this CD package in droves. As our interest deteriorated, I came up with an idea. We distributed all necessary equipment to each Chopsman's apartment, and we made a little bet: Ten CDs a week were to be turned in by each man. The motivation? Not having the discs meant a 5 dollar (cash) contribution to a fund: a shot fund, for the purpose of buying shots of booze once the ordeal was over. Ingenious, yes? Using alcohol payment as punishment, yes? Despite an initial snag when Tommy "Lone Wolf" opted not to participate because "betting" for "alcohol" is "childish" and also "dumb" -- the plan worked smashingly and the CDs began to be churned out.

Everything was going great--we were nearing our goal, we were nearing our shots (the fund grew to 50 dollars)...then we hit a brick wall. We lost our rhythm, America. Our rhythm! The shot fund (which we all agreed could only be used once all Gold Stars discs were completed) reached an almost unfathomable 80 dollars. With only 200 or so left to go...a compromise was reached. I was paid a nominal fee to finish the damn things, once and for all.

A small sampling of some of the ones I made today:


It was long. It was hard. I laughed. I cried. I hurled. But now, friends...it is done!

DONE!

Bring on the shots!


don't i know you from the cinematographer's party?,
rob

Straight out of New Castle

Vintage:



Modern:



Great taste! Nothing has changed! Tom still thinks Pink Floyd is "dank!"